"Googling" Could Replace 4 Years Of Med School

The American Society of Medical Administrators (ASMA), the governing board that oversees medical licensure in the United States, is said to be considering "Googling" as an alternate path to a medical degree.

This new program may soon be a real option for students who complete four years of undergraduate work, and are then able to earn qualifying scores on the MCAT exam. In the past, this test traditionally determined if a candidate was eligible to enter an accredited medical school in the United States, but it may now be used to qualify a candidate for this alternative certification.

"Basically," stated ASMA spokesperson John S. Hopkins, "medical students are already overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information they must process and memorize, and we thought that their time could be better spent physically interacting with patients, and practicing surgical techniques on the cadavers."

"Since almost any medical diagnosis and treatment can be found on Google if you input the right set of symptoms, we just didn't see a need to send our doctors to the library for four years when they could be learning how to cut people open and sew them back up again instead."

Medical resident Lucille Carver is one of a handful of doctors participating in a pilot "Googling" program at Tufts University School of Medicine in Massachusetts. "I've got a web-enabled Motorola 'Crazer' phone with me at all times, so getting the information I need is no problem, unless I don't have reception for some reason," claims Carver.

"If that happens, I just tell patients I have to 'consult with a colleague,' and then I just go down to my office and Google the information there. After that, I usually just stroll back to the operating room, and then act like I figured it out on my own."

"With the ever-expanding body of medical knowledge we have today, it would be impossible for even the most accomplished physician to keep up with all of it," added Hopkins. "We would rather have our doctors out there concentrating on the things that really matter, like locating that missing retractor before they close their patient back up and send them on their way."

O.J.'s New Book Prompts Rebuttal From Murder Victim's Father

Brentwood, CA--The impending release of author/double-murderer O.J. Simpson's If I Did It, a novel that some have called a thinly veiled confession to the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman, has inspired Ron's father Fred to pick up the pen and write a book of his own.

Simply titled If I Ran O.J. Over With My Fucking Car, & Then Dragged His Lifeless Body 500 Yards Until I Was Sure He Was Dead, the book describes a hypothetical situation in which the elder Mr. Goldman happens upon Simpson in the parking lot of his favorite golf course, and then accidentally mashes the accelerator to the floor and aims his car directly at him.

"Accidents happen every day," stated Goldman. "Of course, I would hate for any kind of terrible tragedy to befall Simpson, especially one involving the grille of my Escalade and his stupid fucking face."

"Really, my only reason for writing If I Did It is that I'm just trying to guess how this whole thing might have gone down," rebutted Simpson. "I watch a lot of crime shows and just thought I would take a stab at it. Because it is not like I was actually there that night, with a knife in my hand, sticking it into Ron Goldman's throat over and over again, even though Ron's blood was all over my shoes and clothing, and inside my old Bronco as well."

Simpson's book is expected to earn him millions, which he will undoubtedly find a way to keep hidden from the Goldman family, who have not received a penny of the thirty-three million dollar wrongful death settlement levied after Simpson was found responsible for the murders in a subsequent 1997 civil court decision.

In a related story, Simpson, who is currently being held in prison on an unrelated armed robbery, vows to track down the killers, and armed sports memorabilia robbers, and Fred Goldman, as soon as he is released from jail.

Apple Spokesperson: "No 6th Generation Touchscreen iPod--Not Now, Not Ever

Contrary to all the rumors swirling around today, Apple PR spokesperson announces that there are no plans to replace the current 5th gen iPod.

read more | digg story

Apple "SkinniPod" Design Causing Quite A Stir

According to an unnamed source inside Apple, the world's favorite music player is about to get a very radical makeover.

read more | digg story

Singer Moby Concerned That His Birthday Will Be Overlooked This Year

Popular musician Moby was looking forward to celebrating his 42nd birthday this month, until he realized that the revelry might be overshadowed by the events commemorating the 6th anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings in New York City.

Moby, whose real name is Richard Melville Hall, was born on September 11, 1965 in Harlem, New York. He is a direct descendant of Herman Melville, author of the classic novel Moby Dick.

"Of course, I have a great amount of compassion for those who suffered unimaginable losses on September 11th, 2001. But I lost something on that day too--the ability to enjoy my birthday on a day not connected to the worst act of terrorism ever perpetrated on American soil."

Moby has already scaled back plans to host an all-night rave, and is instead opting to invite just "a few close friends" over to celebrate with a wine and cheese party at his SoHo loft.

"People were telling me that they might felt guilty dancing 'til dawn with a somber 9/11 candlelight vigil being held just blocks away. Although I can totally relate, I just hope they realize my birthday is always going to be on September 11th, and that this unfortunate coincidence really does not excuse the fact that they have been cheaping out on my presents for the last few years."

Socially Conscious Dad Builds iPhone From Scratch In Garage

Pasadena, TX--Journeyman electrician and social activist Isaac Leibowitz can claim that he owns one of the few Apple iPhones made in the United States, because he actually put it together himself!

"I was reading about the oppresive conditions in the Chinese factories that produce the iPod, and wanted to do something to help the workers overseas," said Leibowitz. "So I tracked down the suppliers of all of the components of the new iPhones, and placed an order for the parts to be sent to my home."

Leibowitz admits that "it took me a while to figure out how everything went together, but I have a couple working models now. Also, I tried to get my wife to help out as well, but she just kept burning herself with the soldering iron."

"My kids were not much help either," added Leibowitz. "Little Timmy installed the screen upside down, and put the power button on the bottom. Oh, wait, it does go on the bottom."

"Shit. Now I have to start all over again."

Leibowitz's version of the Apple iPhone is not cheap either. "Ordering all the parts separately just about quadruples the price," said the electrician. "But I think I can keep the price of the 4 gig phone under two thousand bucks, if I don't charge for my labor."

"Besides, this is all about taking responsibility for the impact we have on the world around us. And who could possibly want to put a price on that?"

Which Way To Gay Street?

Just what are they trying to say at this intersection near Music Row in Nashville?

Cheney "Pissed" That He Slept Through Most Of His Presidency

Washington, DC--In a terse public statement, Vice-President Dick Cheney blamed his wife Lynne for failing to wake him up early when he assumed the duties of the presidency for just over two hours last Saturday.

Cheney was sworn in as President at 7:16 in the morning Eastern time just before President Bush was administered a mild anesthesia during a routing surgical procedure at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

"I reminded Lynne two or three times the night before to get me up early, but I guess she had other things on her mind. By the time I got up at around nine, most of my term was already over."

Cheney also admitted that he hoped to push a new tougher version of the Patriot Act through congress and assign some more high-profile military contracts to Haliburton during his brief presidential stint, but that he was unable to meet either goal during the "twelve minutes that I was actually conscious" before they transferred power back to President Bush.

"I told Lynne to lay off the cooking sherry the night before because I had a lot of things to do on Saturday," stated Cheney. "Yet somehow, she got it into her head that I needed to get a little extra sleep during the two most important hours of my goddamn life."

New Rod Stewart CD To Feature Cover Versions Of His Own Songs!

"We've done three recordings featuring songs from Sinatra and Crosby, so it is only natural that we move into the era of popular music," said Stewart. "However, when I looked into recording songs from the '60s and '70s, I was amazed to learn that some of the best ones were originally recorded by me!"

read more | digg story

Bush Demands Access To Grocery Stores "Club Card" Records

Washington, DC--President Bush paid a surprise visit Thursday to the National Association of Grocery Stores (NAGS) annual convention in Omaha, Nebraska. In a short statement, the president asked all major American supermarket chains to strongly consider opening up their membership "loyalty card" databases to the NSA.

"By analyzing purchases made by customers of these retailers, the NSA and Homeland Security hope to identify patterns consistent with terrorist activity," said Bush. "After exhaustive interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay over the last three years, we think we now have a pretty good idea of what these fascists like to eat."

For example, traditional middle-eastern food purchases such as taboleh, hummus, or lavash bread would automatically raise a red flag. The NSA will also be looking for instances of customers purchasing food at a discount when it is at or near the expiration date.

"Your average terrorist isn't going to care if his milk expires two days from now if he is about to go out on a suicide bombing run," said NSA spokesperson Ron DeCase. "Those guys are used to living on a diet of rancid yak butter and sand fleas back home, so sour-tasting milk isn't going to phase them one bit."

President Bush plans to formally announce this new policy at a White House press conference sometime next week. "Because it is difficult for terrorists to move money in and out of the country, they have a keen interest in stretching the value of a dollar, not unlike the average frugal housewife," stated the president.

"We are finding that many of these evildoers carry discount cards for oil changes and video rentals as well. By mining and then analyzing this type of data, we hope to get a better picture of the type of threat that we face in the future from these penny-pinching enemies of liberty."

Really Funny Interview w/ Digg CEO Jay Adelson

In keeping with this week’s patriotic theme, I sat down with digg.com CEO Jay Adelson on the 4th of July last year to discuss the anniversary of the bicentennial, safe handling of fireworks, and his initial response to the overwhelming success of his website. What a difference a year makes--just look at digg now!

read more | digg story

eBay Gives The Green Light To Gasoline Auctions

San Jose, CA--Internet auction giant eBay announced Thursday that they will approve the auctioning of gasoline in approved containers on their popular trading website. "With the wild fluctuations in the price of fuel from state to state, and the expectation that costs will rise dramatically this summer due to tensions in the Middle East, we just figured the timing was right," stated eBay CEO Meg Whitman.

One of the first members to take advantage of this policy shift is Power Seller RedneckWoman27, based in Lubbock, Texas. "Fuel is a bit cheaper here in our area, so even with shipping, auction winners still save a few cents per gallon--especially if they are out in California," said the noted seller.

Elton Riggles, A local Glendale man, took it one step further yesterday by backing up a gas tanker to his house and filling his empty 18,000 gallon swimming pool with gasoline. "I figure the price is only gonna keep going up and up," said Riggles. "Soon, the contents of my pool with be worth more than my entire house. It's not so bad once you get used to the smell, and the fact that the kids are bitching all the time because they can't go swimming."

One early issue facing eBay is that some sellers are specifying "local pickup only" on their gasoline auctions. eBay CEO Whitman says that "depending on where you live, this may defeat the purpose of the auction entirely."

Another concerned party is the postal service, who are expecting to deliver thousands of leaky, rusted-out gasoline cans to their customers over the coming weeks. "Lots of people are angry already because their mail smells like gas, and every dog on your route wants a piece of you when you show up at the house in a HazMat suit," stated a local carrier, who wished to remain anonymous.

In addition, fire departments report a rash of gas siphoning accidents in all major metropolitan areas, not to mention a rash of mysterious "swimming pool fires" in recent days...

World's Tackiest Baby Shower Gift

This really takes the cake!

The Top Ten Rarely-Heard Sounds Of High Technology

From the clunk of the 8-track tape changing tracks to the symphony of beeps and boings of the dial-up modem, these are sounds many of us grew up with that we rarely hear today.



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Michael Richards Says "I'm America's Forgotten Racist"

Hollywood, CA--Loathsome and largely forgotten sitcom star Michael Richards expressed concern on Thursday that the news has moved on to other topics too quickly, leaving him pretty much as they found him before an infamous comedy club performance in which he insulted African-American members of his audience in a misguided attempt at humor.

With all the recent attention placed on the firing of shock jock Don Imus after uttering some insensitive comments about the members of a female basketball team, Richards says he feels like he is not getting his fair share of scorn and ridicule from the public. "I guess I'm just not ready for America to stop hating on me yet."

"I'm still as offensive and reprehensible as ever," added Richards. "Yet I can also be very introspective and humble at times."

Richards gained notoriety last year for an impromptu racist rant he delivered during an otherwise lackluster stand-up comedy routine at The Comedy Store in Los Angeles.

"Furthermore, I would like to continue pursuing ways for me to dialog with the leaders of the Afro-American community, especially if the TV news crews would just agree to keep showing up to these meetings," added the much-reviled comedian.

In a recent puff piece for Fox news, Richards also claimed that he was still searching for "closure" and "healing," and hoped that the American public would continue to follow him in his "journey toward self-discovery."

"I forgot how great it was to have all of this attention pointed in my direction, and I am just not ready for it to end quite yet. Anybody still care to watch me roll my eyes, flail my arms around, and barge into a room in an unexpected fashion?"

"Hello...? Anybody...? Newman...?"

Craziest Freeway Sign Ever

My exit will be closed for how long, exactly?

Anna-Nicole's Autopsy Report Exposes Killer

Nassau, Bahamas--After an exhaustive examination of the facts surrounding the death of our beloved Anna-Nicole Smith, we now have conclusive proof explaining the exact cause of her death.

"Makes perfect sense to me," stated Howard K. Stern, Anna-Nicole's lawyer and romantic affiliate. "I'll get behind any theory that points the blame somewhere else."

Mr. Simpson was not available for comment, as he was busy searching for Anna-Nicole's real killers.

To The Batcave!

Photos taken today of the rock quarry that served as the original Batman TV series shooting location.



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Beans Around The World

The adventures of a VERY well-traveled can of beans. Where will they pop up next, I wonder?



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The Fabulous Cement Lizards of Cabazon, CA

Dinny, the concrete Apatosaurus, stands 45 feet high and features a tacky religious gift shop in his belly. Mr. Rex, towering over Dinny at 65 feet, affords you a spectacular view of the 10 Freeway from the cramped observation deck located inside his mouth.



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Camera Installed Inside Anna-Nicole's Coffin

Nassau, Bahamas--At the request of her lawyer and soulmate Howard K. Stern, Anna-Nicole Smith's coffin has been fitted with a solar-powered infra-red camera that will send a live feed to a newly-created website, watchannarot.com.

"I don't think the public has quite had their fill of Anna-Nicole mania yet," claimed Stern, "so for $19.99 a month, you can subscribe to the site and spend a little more private time with America's favorite mouldering sweetheart."

Stern came up with the idea when he realized how many people were fascinated by Anna's slimming down process after she signed on to rep the popular weight loss product Trim-Spa in 2005.

"This is just a natural continuation of that process," explained Stern. "Furthermore, we expect her to slim down quite a bit more over the years, providing inspiration to all those poor souls out there suffering with the cruel disease of morbid obesity."

Upon hearing this news, Anna-Nicole's estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, immediately threatened to sue Mr. Stern unless he agreed to cut her in on a healthy share of the profits from his new business venture.

The New iPod Lo-Fi

The bastard love-child of an '85 Panasonic boombox & a 1st Gen 5 gig iPod!



read more | digg story

MLB No Longer Accepting New Players

In a tersely worded press release, Major League Baseball sent a strong message to thousands of college, high-school, and Little League athletes who someday hoped to become professional baseball players: "You're too late."



read more | digg story

Digg Will Allow "Multiple Votes" Starting Monday!

Foster City, CA---Popular social bookmarking site Digg.com announced that they will be abandoning the "one vote per user" policy that has been a prominent feature of the website since its inception in 2004.

"Basically, we felt that our users should be able to express their enthusiasm for the stories submitted to our website by 'digging' them as many times as they wanted," stated founder and CEO Jay Adelson.

"I know some people will be puzzled by this decision," Adelson continued, "but we are hoping that with all that clicking going on, users might actually click on one of our damn advertisements once in a while, because frankly, we need the money right now."

Many users expressed concern that submitters would just keep clicking on their own stories until they were promoted, but Adelson was quick to point out that "it isn't like most of our users are socially inept, tech-obsessed geeks who have nothing better to do than to spend all day on our site repeatedly mashing the 'digg this' button."

Nevertheless, when asked if he was concerned that top users might instead hire outside agents to click on their story multiple times until it reached the top of the homepage, Adelson admitted that "we hadn't thought of that one."

Wikipedia Founder Says Site Is In "Lockdown" Mode; Further Editing Disabled

Huntsville, AL--In a shocking announcement this morning, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales announced that the "free encyclopedia that anyone can edit" will no longer allow users to add or alter any content on the popular website.

"Basically, we have achieved what we set out to do," claims Wales. "There is nothing out there in the world today that you can't read about on Wikipedia."

"Besides, we just got tired of all the vandalism. Who by this point isn't sick of seeing something like 'Jose is a fag' pop up all of a sudden in the middle of an article about the ongoing violence in Darfur?"

The Wikipedia founder went on to say that the site would continue to cover current events on the homepage, but that any existing article will be switched over to "lockdown" status until further notice.

"We may open up the site for some minor editing in a few months if there are any updates that need to be made," explained Wales. "Also, we are looking into the possibility of corporations 'sponsoring' new articles for a negotiable fee."

Wales admits that "the formerly free encyclopedia that nobody can edit" does not have the same appeal as their original slogan, but thinks that the impact of this policy change will be negligible.

"We haven't had anyone submit a new article in months," explained Wales. "Just seemed like it was a good time to take a couple steps back and look at the big picture here for a minute."

94-Year-Old WW2 Vet Called Back To Active Duty

Kingman, AZ--Homer Winston, a 94-year-old veteran of World War 2, was suprised to find a letter in his mailbox this weekend asking him to please return to active duty with the United States Marine Corps. According to Winston, "I told them to keep me on the inactive reserve list six decades ago, just in case they needed me again."

"I haven't been out of bed in close to three years and have never even heard of Iraq. But if they really want me back, I'm going, wherever the hell it is!"

Due to an understandable lack of volunteers willing to return to Iraq after they have already seen combat, the Marine Corps announced yesterday that they would begin involuntarily recalling inactive Marines to the embattled region. Apparently, the recalls affect everyone from recently enlisted soldiers to anybody receiving a military pension of any age.

"I know we can't expect much from some of these older soldiers, but if they can put on the uniform and walk around a bit, that might scare the enemy into surrendering," said military recruiter Jack Scheisskopf.

"Some have mockingly called us an army of 'great-great grandfathers' but who would know better how to defeat our enemy and then get us the hell out of there better than a WWII vet?"

As for PFC Homer Winston, he is certainly looking forward to "hopping aboard the B-29 Superfortress and showing those dang Japs what he is made of."

"Even at ninety-four, I've still got some fight left in me. Just show me where that bastard Tojo is hiding out, and I'll do the rest," boasted Winston.

Netflix Run By Idiots?

In the new Mike Judge film Idiocracy, Luke Wilson is frozen in an Army experiment, and wakes up in 2505 to find he is the smartest man in America. Unfortunately, Netflix apparently thinks that 2505 is still a thousand years away...

Shock Jock Howard Stern Claiming He Slept With Anna Nicole Too!

New York, NY--In a shocking admission likely to fascinate and confuse those of us already following this story (and really, who isn't), shock jock Howard Stern admitted to sleeping with Anna Nicole Smith soon after she appeared on his popular radio program at the beginning of 2006.

"Yeah, I banged her," explained Stern. "And it was right around the time when she got pregnant with that kid as well."

Stern added that "I know this is really gonna confuse a lot of people, because of Howard K. Stern, that douchebag lawyer of hers who has the same name as me, but I had to come forward in case there was any chance of me inheriting that money that Dannielynn has coming to her."

Stern is of course referring to the multi-million dollar settlement being held in limbo in the courts that resulted from Anna Nicole's previous marriage to billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

"Now that I think of it, I am the third Howard in her life. How odd!"

In a last-minute press conference, Stern also admitted that he kept this story under wraps because "she was still pretty fat when I nailed her, and I didn't want anybody to know that I had taken one for the team."

"But now that there is a whole bunch on money on the table here, I thought I would come clean, so to speak," claimed Stern.

Al Qaeda's "Greatest Threats" Now On DVD

Basra, Iraq--In a move predicted to generate millions of dollars for their holy war against America, the radical Islamist group al Qaeda has compiled a DVD box set of some of their most chilling televised messages broadcast to date. The collection, entitled Video Jihad: The Best of Al Qaeda Uncensored was released last week to take full advantage of the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday shopping surge.

"We noticed how popular these speeches were on YouTube, and figured we would get in on a piece the action," stated a masked al Qaeda operative who threatened to chop this reporter's head right off if his true identity was revealed.

"All your favorites are here--Bin Laden, Zarqawi, al Zawahiri and more! If they have ever wiggled a bony index finger in the air while shouting 'Death To America!', or threatened to blow up the White House, they are on this video."

"In addition, there are bloopers, outtakes, and extended ranting as well on this three-disc compilation. My favorite clip on the DVD is the one where Osama's turban keeps unraveling on-air during a recent taping."

"The look on his face is priceless," added the masked militant.

Amazon.com reports that sales of the DVD set have been brisk, but also that many copies are being returned with quality issues. "Basically, it looks like these discs were all burned on a laptop in some cave in Afghanistan during a sandstorm," reported an Amazon employee who begged not to be identified.

"Still, we are recommending that our customers only leave positive reviews for the collection on our site, if they know what is good for them."

Scheduling Glitch Shelves Beatles iTunes Ad!

Cupertino, CA--The Apple Corporation is looking for an explanation from CBS after they failed to air a commercial announcing the upcoming release of The Beatles song catalog on their iTunes music downloading service. The 30 second long advertisement was scheduled to air immediately before the halftime presentation of yesterday's Super Bowl XLI broadcast, but was shelved by CBS when they discovered that the show was running a bit long.

Apple spokesperson Ellen Doppler stated that "Apple is very disappointed that our commercial was not aired as promised." The ad, featuring the Lennon-penned classic "Good Morning, Good Morning," showed Apple users all over the world enjoying this lesser-known track from the groundbreaking Sgt. Pepper's album, as they put on their iPods and went about their morning routines.

Doppler added that "CBS did finally get around to running the spot overnight during an 'I Love Lucy' rerun, but it didn't have nearly the same impact as it would have had during the actual Super Bowl telecast." The spokesperson went on to say that the licensing rights alone for the song snippet were "in the millions of dollars, not to mention the cost of airtime, and what we spent to produce the ad."

Wikipedia "Outs" Barry Manilow's Big Secret

New York, NY-- After a recent Wikipedia article confirmed what many of us have suspected for years, aging pop crooner Barry Manilow admitted today that he is not music, and he did not write the songs.

"Well, I wrote a lot of other songs, like the theme for American Bandstand," explained Manilow. "I just didn't write that song."

Apparently, "I Write The Songs," a song covered by dozens of other artists like Captain and Tennille (who didn't actually write it either), was written by former Beach Boy Bruce Johnston.

"When I wrote 'I am music, and I write the songs,' I was personifying music itself, and not the person who happened to be singing the song at the time," stated Johnston.

"I know this is kind of confusing for some people."

"Barry just happened to record the definitive version of it, and since he is a fine songwriter in his own right, most people think he wrote it," added Johnston. "I am actually fine with that, as long as the royalty checks keep showing up in my mailbox, and not his."

Nevertheless, Manilow now says he will add a disclaimer before performing the song in concert, explaining that he "has not been alive forever," and that he did not "write the very first song."

"You can't be too careful these days," concluded Manilow. "Those guys at Wikipedia don't miss a trick. Just hope they don't start to question my sexuality anytime soon."

President Bush Cancels "State Of The Union" Address

Washington, DC--With his approval rating at an all-time low of 28%, President Bush has decided to cancel tonight's State of The Union speech, opting instead to host something called "The First Annual George Bush 'Drunken State' of The Union Beer Bash."

"We're gonna party like it's 1999," exclaimed Bush. "Back when my approval rating was still in the double digits, and the Iraqis were killing each other without our involvement."

The party is set to kick off at 8PM, when thousands of Golden Retriever puppies will be let loose on the Congress floor. "Everyone gets to take home one of these cute little guys courtesy of good old King George, and the U.S. taxpayers, of course."

"How are ya likin' me now," asked the president. "Don't forget to feed them!"

Ricky Martin, Taylor Hicks, and Cher have also recorded a new version of the Musique disco classic "Push, Push In The Bush," with new lyrics that paint the president in a more positive light:

Push, push in the bush
Everybody shake your tush
To all the haters, just say "Shush!"
'Cause everybody loves George Bush...

"Here's the deal," added Bush. "Nobody wants to hear me ramble on unconvincingly about health care, the war on terror, or illegal immigration. What people want is to find a way to be the President's buddy again, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna make that happen tonight."

The president also plans to announce a five-hundred dollar tax refund for every American citizen, and that he has also declared January 24th a national holiday, so that "nobody has to go to work with a hangover in the morning."

"Lord knows, I know what that is like," stated Bush.

These Figures Just Don't Add Up!

Check out this wacky sign located in New Cuyama, CA. The concept may be flawed, but at least the math is correct!

Woman: Her Sex and Love Life

As a public service of this blog, we now present to you some timely advice on sex and love from a 1917 medical manual written by the well-respected doctor of medical things pertaining to women, William J. Robinson, M.D., editor of the American Journal of Sexology.

On Single Mothers:

"If a woman is so unfortunate as to be unable to get anybody to produce an abortion, she gives birth to an illegitimate child, which she is forced in most cases to put away in an institution of some sort where she hopes and prays it may die soon..."

On Virginity:

"Some men of a low moral and mental character are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circumstances--she no longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her."

On Homosexuality:

"A homosexual, man or woman, has no right to marry. Homosexuality is hereditary, and nobody has a right to bring homosexuals into the world, for there is no unhappier being than a homosexual."

On Equal Rights

"The woman suffers due to her natural disabilities (menstruation, pregnancy, lactation), age-long repression, and also by the fact that she must be sought but never seek, and finally for her economic dependence on a man."

On Masturbation:

"Girls who indulge in the habit to excess not only weaken themselves, become anemic and get a dingy, pimply complexion, but they lose their desire for normal sexual relations when they grow up, and are unable to derive pleasure from marriage."

On Frigidity:

"If you care for your husband, if you care for your home and perhaps for your children, then the only thing for you to do is to not apprise your husband of your frigid condition."

On Sexuality:

"While a woman may be able to give a man perfect sexual satisfaction, and she may have an angelic character, if her body is not all that could be desired, the man will be dissatisfied and unhappy."

On Infidelity:

"Many wives drive their husbands to other women, and are alone responsible for their suffering, and for the cooling of their husbands' affections."

On Obesity:

"Nothing is more fatal to a woman's beauty than a big stomach, and particularly a hang-down stomach. Some savage tribes prefer obese women with enormous abdomens, but this is not the case with the Caucasian race."

On Modern Sexual Attitudes:

"A dozen sex acts of today do not in their totality equal the thrill, the pleasure and the romance of one sex act of, say a generation ago. The thing has been so commonized, that there is little to it except the momentary physical enjoyment."

The President Is Missing!

Bloomington, MN--The Secret Service reluctantly reported tonight that President Bush has gone missing somewhere inside the Mall of America. "He was begging us to let him ride the merry-go-round one more time," explained special agent Nathan Watt-Roy, "and somehow, we just lost sight of him for a minute."

The president, who was killing some time at the mall after a televised speech to the Minnesota legislature, has a history of wandering away from his guardians in large crowds. "Last time, we found him hiding in one of the T. J. Maxx changing rooms," stated John McLellan, head of the presidential security detail.

"We are not very concerned at this point," added McLellan, "though we would like to get him back to the hotel in time for Laura to put out his milk and cookies."

"Brick Phone Guy" Wonders Why Everyone Is Always Laughing At Him

Hello? Hello??? I know you are there, I can hear you giggling in the background. Just what is so goddammned funny, huh?

When I find out who you are, you are all in big trouble! Don't you whippersnappers have anything better to do with your time? Why don't you all just leave me the hell alone!

"National Day Of Mourning" Declared For Purchasers Of 5th Gen. iPods

Washington, DC--In a recent blog posting, President Bush called for a national day of mourning on January 15th for anyone unlucky enough to have purchased a 5th generation Apple iPod+Video just days before the release of the kick-ass iPhone last Tuesday.

"I know it seemed like this day would never arrive," said the President in his weekly blog update. "And I know many of my fellow Americans have been hanging on to their iPod Photo players and their Minis expecting that full-screen 16x9 video player to hit the shelves at any moment."

"But for some of you, the temptation was too strong. So you went out and bought a 80-gig video iPod last month, hoping you would get to enjoy it for a while before the inevitable release of the new unit."

"Unfortunately for these miserable souls," continued President Bush, "the day of reckoning has arrived."

For those feeling particularly despondent or angry, the government has set up a 24-hour hotline where consumers can share their stories of buyer's remorse with a caring professional. In addition, the Secret Service will be escorting Steve Jobs to the office for the next few months as a precautionary measure.

"I still enjoy my original video iPod," said President Bush, "and I especially like watching those mash-ups of me rapping that Cheney gets from YouTube, though I'll admit I haven't used it much since the FBI got a hold of one of those new touch-screen jobbies for me a couple months back."

"That thing inspired me to call Steve Jobs last month to personally congratulate him for developing such a fine product for the American people. Too bad y'all have to wait 'til the summer to see what I mean."

Donald Trump Blames Rosie For Foul Odor In NYC

New York, NY--In an impromptu press conference, multi-billionaire asshat Donald Trump claimed that Rosie O'Donnell was responsible for the putrid stench permeating most of lower Manhattan today.

"All I'm saying is that the day she gets back into town from her vacation, things start to stink again around here real quick," claimed Trump. "I tried stuffing thousand dollar bills up my nose to mask the odor, but Rosie's noxious fumes still managed to seep into my nostrils, filling me with a sense of nausea and dread."

As a precautionary measure, Trump sent a crew of HVAC technicians down to the set of The View today to point the building's exhaust fans away from Trump Plaza. After consulting with the Department of Homeland Security, he also opted to seal his building in plastic sheeting and duct tape until the crisis subsided.

"At this point, the only thing that can save this city is Superman, or a crew of power washers," added Trump. "If that fat troll doesn't get herself to a shower soon, she's gonna drive half the business out of the city. They may be used to it in Jersey, but this misery will not be tolerated for long in my Big Apple!"

O'Donnell, who was spotted shopping for new perfume at Bergdorfs, was unavailable for comment.

Local Man Still Fears Y2K

Burbank, CA--Unemployed computer programmer Elton Riggles has spent the last seven years holed away in his Burbank bomb shelter, patiently awaiting the eventual collapse of society due to the Y2K bug.

"Yes, I am fully aware that this year marks the seventh anniversary of the so-called 'Millennium Bug' non-event in our history. I get plenty good TV reception down here still, ya know," Riggles cried out from the confines of his backyard concrete bunker.

Riggles was fired from SystemDyne Technologies in Chatsworth in 1999 after pessimistically claiming that there was "no way were were gonna get all those dates changed" by the end of the century.

His paranoia and negative attitude spread like wildfire throughout the office as the millennium approached, eventually resulting in many IT staffers abandoning their computers altogether. Some even went so far as to revert to the abacus and typewriter to complete their assigned tasks.

"I got enough beef jerky and powdered Gatorade to last the rest of my natural adult life," boasted Riggles when discovered by local authorities.

"Plus, I can wait out Y2K way longer than any of you suckers up there on the surface. Just don't come knocking on my hatch asking for jerky when the whole thing finally goes tits up"

Bush Continues To Claim Iraqi Involvement In 7/11

Washington, DC--In a recent White House press conference, President Bush attempted to silence his detractors by holding fast to the position that Iraqis were somehow involved in events related to 7/11.

"Everytime I make my limo driver Stan stop at a 7/11 to pick me up an Extreme Big Gulp and some lottery tickets, I see some Iraqi-looking fella behind the counter," claimed President Bush.

"I am not saying that these clerks are necessarily involved in any of the high-level planning that goes on at the stores, but they definitely play a role."

Bush also stated that he would continue to investigate the connection between Iraqis and 7/11, even if it meant that he had to "turn the whole store upside-down" to find the cache of WMDs that he is convinced they have stashed somewhere on the premises.

"A few years back, you only saw Hindus or Koreans behind the counters of these stores. But now that the face of 7/11 seems to be changing, I think it is up to every American to stay vigilant whenever they purchase their money orders or those horoscopes-in-a-tube from these establishments," added Bush.

In addition, Bush pledged to add 7/11 clerks to the Accents of Evil, explaining that he "can never seem to understand a damn thing those guys are sayin' when they ring me up. I just tell my secret service guy to hand over to money, and then I get the hell out of there fast!"

Rosie And "The Donald" Kiss And Have Makeup Sex

New York City, NY--The feuding between billionaire Donald Trump and itinerant talk show host Rosie O' Donnell took a strange turn last night when "The Donald" paid an unexpected "booty call" to Ms. O'Donnell's SoHo loft.

"All this bickering between us started getting me kind of hot," stated Trump. "I know my wife Melanoma is eight months pregnant, but the heart wants what it wants."

O'Donnell, who showed up late for today's taping of The View with a strange look on her face, had nothing but kind words to say about "The Donald's" sexual prowess and stamina. "I don't know if it is fashionable hairstyle, his manly physique, or the fact that he earns more money in one hour than I have earned since 1972."

"I wouldn't fire her from the bedroom, that's for sure," Trump retorted. "And all my buddies said she would never bat for the other team, but that was before she scrumped Mr. Trump!"