Sunday, January 28, 2007

Wikipedia "Outs" Barry Manilow's Big Secret

New York, NY-- After a recent Wikipedia article confirmed what many of us have suspected for years, aging pop crooner Barry Manilow admitted today that he is not music, and he did not write the songs.

"Well, I wrote a lot of other songs, like the theme for American Bandstand," explained Manilow. "I just didn't write that song."

Apparently, "I Write The Songs," a song covered by dozens of other artists like Captain and Tennille (who didn't actually write it either), was written by former Beach Boy Bruce Johnston.

"When I wrote 'I am music, and I write the songs,' I was personifying music itself, and not the person who happened to be singing the song at the time," stated Johnston.

"I know this is kind of confusing for some people."

"Barry just happened to record the definitive version of it, and since he is a fine songwriter in his own right, most people think he wrote it," added Johnston. "I am actually fine with that, as long as the royalty checks keep showing up in my mailbox, and not his."

Nevertheless, Manilow now says he will add a disclaimer before performing the song in concert, explaining that he "has not been alive forever," and that he did not "write the very first song."

"You can't be too careful these days," concluded Manilow. "Those guys at Wikipedia don't miss a trick. Just hope they don't start to question my sexuality anytime soon."

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

President Bush Cancels "State Of The Union" Address

Washington, DC--With his approval rating at an all-time low of 28%, President Bush has decided to cancel tonight's State of The Union speech, opting instead to host something called "The First Annual George Bush 'Drunken State' of The Union Beer Bash."

"We're gonna party like it's 1999," exclaimed Bush. "Back when my approval rating was still in the double digits, and the Iraqis were killing each other without our involvement."

The party is set to kick off at 8PM, when thousands of Golden Retriever puppies will be let loose on the Congress floor. "Everyone gets to take home one of these cute little guys courtesy of good old King George, and the U.S. taxpayers, of course."

"How are ya likin' me now," asked the president. "Don't forget to feed them!"

Ricky Martin, Taylor Hicks, and Cher have also recorded a new version of the Musique disco classic "Push, Push In The Bush," with new lyrics that paint the president in a more positive light:

Push, push in the bush
Everybody shake your tush
To all the haters, just say "Shush!"
'Cause everybody loves George Bush...

"Here's the deal," added Bush. "Nobody wants to hear me ramble on unconvincingly about health care, the war on terror, or illegal immigration. What people want is to find a way to be the President's buddy again, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna make that happen tonight."

The president also plans to announce a five-hundred dollar tax refund for every American citizen, and that he has also declared January 24th a national holiday, so that "nobody has to go to work with a hangover in the morning."

"Lord knows, I know what that is like," stated Bush.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

These Figures Just Don't Add Up!

Check out this wacky sign located in New Cuyama, CA. The concept may be flawed, but at least the math is correct!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Woman: Her Sex and Love Life

As a public service of this blog, we now present to you some timely advice on sex and love from a 1917 medical manual written by the well-respected doctor of medical things pertaining to women, William J. Robinson, M.D., editor of the American Journal of Sexology.

On Single Mothers:

"If a woman is so unfortunate as to be unable to get anybody to produce an abortion, she gives birth to an illegitimate child, which she is forced in most cases to put away in an institution of some sort where she hopes and prays it may die soon..."

On Virginity:

"Some men of a low moral and mental character are under the influence of the pernicious idea that if a girl has lost her virginity--no matter under what circumstances--she no longer amounts to much and is free prey for everybody who may want her."

On Homosexuality:

"A homosexual, man or woman, has no right to marry. Homosexuality is hereditary, and nobody has a right to bring homosexuals into the world, for there is no unhappier being than a homosexual."

On Equal Rights

"The woman suffers due to her natural disabilities (menstruation, pregnancy, lactation), age-long repression, and also by the fact that she must be sought but never seek, and finally for her economic dependence on a man."

On Masturbation:

"Girls who indulge in the habit to excess not only weaken themselves, become anemic and get a dingy, pimply complexion, but they lose their desire for normal sexual relations when they grow up, and are unable to derive pleasure from marriage."

On Frigidity:

"If you care for your husband, if you care for your home and perhaps for your children, then the only thing for you to do is to not apprise your husband of your frigid condition."

On Sexuality:

"While a woman may be able to give a man perfect sexual satisfaction, and she may have an angelic character, if her body is not all that could be desired, the man will be dissatisfied and unhappy."

On Infidelity:

"Many wives drive their husbands to other women, and are alone responsible for their suffering, and for the cooling of their husbands' affections."

On Obesity:

"Nothing is more fatal to a woman's beauty than a big stomach, and particularly a hang-down stomach. Some savage tribes prefer obese women with enormous abdomens, but this is not the case with the Caucasian race."

On Modern Sexual Attitudes:

"A dozen sex acts of today do not in their totality equal the thrill, the pleasure and the romance of one sex act of, say a generation ago. The thing has been so commonized, that there is little to it except the momentary physical enjoyment."

Friday, January 19, 2007

The President Is Missing!

Bloomington, MN--The Secret Service reluctantly reported tonight that President Bush has gone missing somewhere inside the Mall of America. "He was begging us to let him ride the merry-go-round one more time," explained special agent Nathan Watt-Roy, "and somehow, we just lost sight of him for a minute."

The president, who was killing some time at the mall after a televised speech to the Minnesota legislature, has a history of wandering away from his guardians in large crowds. "Last time, we found him hiding in one of the T. J. Maxx changing rooms," stated John McLellan, head of the presidential security detail.

"We are not very concerned at this point," added McLellan, "though we would like to get him back to the hotel in time for Laura to put out his milk and cookies."

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"Brick Phone Guy" Wonders Why Everyone Is Always Laughing At Him

Hello? Hello??? I know you are there, I can hear you giggling in the background. Just what is so goddammned funny, huh?

When I find out who you are, you are all in big trouble! Don't you whippersnappers have anything better to do with your time? Why don't you all just leave me the hell alone!

Friday, January 12, 2007

"National Day Of Mourning" Declared For Purchasers Of 5th Gen. iPods

Washington, DC--In a recent blog posting, President Bush called for a national day of mourning on January 15th for anyone unlucky enough to have purchased a 5th generation Apple iPod+Video just days before the release of the kick-ass iPhone last Tuesday.

"I know it seemed like this day would never arrive," said the President in his weekly blog update. "And I know many of my fellow Americans have been hanging on to their iPod Photo players and their Minis expecting that full-screen 16x9 video player to hit the shelves at any moment."

"But for some of you, the temptation was too strong. So you went out and bought a 80-gig video iPod last month, hoping you would get to enjoy it for a while before the inevitable release of the new unit."

"Unfortunately for these miserable souls," continued President Bush, "the day of reckoning has arrived."

For those feeling particularly despondent or angry, the government has set up a 24-hour hotline where consumers can share their stories of buyer's remorse with a caring professional. In addition, the Secret Service will be escorting Steve Jobs to the office for the next few months as a precautionary measure.

"I still enjoy my original video iPod," said President Bush, "and I especially like watching those mash-ups of me rapping that Cheney gets from YouTube, though I'll admit I haven't used it much since the FBI got a hold of one of those new touch-screen jobbies for me a couple months back."

"That thing inspired me to call Steve Jobs last month to personally congratulate him for developing such a fine product for the American people. Too bad y'all have to wait 'til the summer to see what I mean."

Monday, January 08, 2007

Donald Trump Blames Rosie For Foul Odor In NYC

New York, NY--In an impromptu press conference, multi-billionaire asshat Donald Trump claimed that Rosie O'Donnell was responsible for the putrid stench permeating most of lower Manhattan today.

"All I'm saying is that the day she gets back into town from her vacation, things start to stink again around here real quick," claimed Trump. "I tried stuffing thousand dollar bills up my nose to mask the odor, but Rosie's noxious fumes still managed to seep into my nostrils, filling me with a sense of nausea and dread."

As a precautionary measure, Trump sent a crew of HVAC technicians down to the set of The View today to point the building's exhaust fans away from Trump Plaza. After consulting with the Department of Homeland Security, he also opted to seal his building in plastic sheeting and duct tape until the crisis subsided.

"At this point, the only thing that can save this city is Superman, or a crew of power washers," added Trump. "If that fat troll doesn't get herself to a shower soon, she's gonna drive half the business out of the city. They may be used to it in Jersey, but this misery will not be tolerated for long in my Big Apple!"

O'Donnell, who was spotted shopping for new perfume at Bergdorfs, was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Local Man Still Fears Y2K

Burbank, CA--Unemployed computer programmer Elton Riggles has spent the last seven years holed away in his Burbank bomb shelter, patiently awaiting the eventual collapse of society due to the Y2K bug.

"Yes, I am fully aware that this year marks the seventh anniversary of the so-called 'Millennium Bug' non-event in our history. I get plenty good TV reception down here still, ya know," Riggles cried out from the confines of his backyard concrete bunker.

Riggles was fired from SystemDyne Technologies in Chatsworth in 1999 after pessimistically claiming that there was "no way were were gonna get all those dates changed" by the end of the century.

His paranoia and negative attitude spread like wildfire throughout the office as the millennium approached, eventually resulting in many IT staffers abandoning their computers altogether. Some even went so far as to revert to the abacus and typewriter to complete their assigned tasks.

"I got enough beef jerky and powdered Gatorade to last the rest of my natural adult life," boasted Riggles when discovered by local authorities.

"Plus, I can wait out Y2K way longer than any of you suckers up there on the surface. Just don't come knocking on my hatch asking for jerky when the whole thing finally goes tits up"

Bush Continues To Claim Iraqi Involvement In 7/11

Washington, DC--In a recent White House press conference, President Bush attempted to silence his detractors by holding fast to the position that Iraqis were somehow involved in events related to 7/11.

"Everytime I make my limo driver Stan stop at a 7/11 to pick me up an Extreme Big Gulp and some lottery tickets, I see some Iraqi-looking fella behind the counter," claimed President Bush.

"I am not saying that these clerks are necessarily involved in any of the high-level planning that goes on at the stores, but they definitely play a role."

Bush also stated that he would continue to investigate the connection between Iraqis and 7/11, even if it meant that he had to "turn the whole store upside-down" to find the cache of WMDs that he is convinced they have stashed somewhere on the premises.

"A few years back, you only saw Hindus or Koreans behind the counters of these stores. But now that the face of 7/11 seems to be changing, I think it is up to every American to stay vigilant whenever they purchase their money orders or those horoscopes-in-a-tube from these establishments," added Bush.

In addition, Bush pledged to add 7/11 clerks to the Accents of Evil, explaining that he "can never seem to understand a damn thing those guys are sayin' when they ring me up. I just tell my secret service guy to hand over to money, and then I get the hell out of there fast!"

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Rosie And "The Donald" Kiss And Have Makeup Sex

New York City, NY--The feuding between billionaire Donald Trump and itinerant talk show host Rosie O' Donnell took a strange turn last night when "The Donald" paid an unexpected "booty call" to Ms. O'Donnell's SoHo loft.

"All this bickering between us started getting me kind of hot," stated Trump. "I know my wife Melanoma is eight months pregnant, but the heart wants what it wants."

O'Donnell, who showed up late for today's taping of The View with a strange look on her face, had nothing but kind words to say about "The Donald's" sexual prowess and stamina. "I don't know if it is fashionable hairstyle, his manly physique, or the fact that he earns more money in one hour than I have earned since 1972."

"I wouldn't fire her from the bedroom, that's for sure," Trump retorted. "And all my buddies said she would never bat for the other team, but that was before she scrumped Mr. Trump!"