President Bush Cancels "State Of The Union" Address

Washington, DC--With his approval rating at an all-time low of 28%, President Bush has decided to cancel tonight's State of The Union speech, opting instead to host something called "The First Annual George Bush 'Drunken State' of The Union Beer Bash."

"We're gonna party like it's 1999," exclaimed Bush. "Back when my approval rating was still in the double digits, and the Iraqis were killing each other without our involvement."

The party is set to kick off at 8PM, when thousands of Golden Retriever puppies will be let loose on the Congress floor. "Everyone gets to take home one of these cute little guys courtesy of good old King George, and the U.S. taxpayers, of course."

"How are ya likin' me now," asked the president. "Don't forget to feed them!"

Ricky Martin, Taylor Hicks, and Cher have also recorded a new version of the Musique disco classic "Push, Push In The Bush," with new lyrics that paint the president in a more positive light:

Push, push in the bush
Everybody shake your tush
To all the haters, just say "Shush!"
'Cause everybody loves George Bush...

"Here's the deal," added Bush. "Nobody wants to hear me ramble on unconvincingly about health care, the war on terror, or illegal immigration. What people want is to find a way to be the President's buddy again, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna make that happen tonight."

The president also plans to announce a five-hundred dollar tax refund for every American citizen, and that he has also declared January 24th a national holiday, so that "nobody has to go to work with a hangover in the morning."

"Lord knows, I know what that is like," stated Bush.