"Basically, we have decided that the eighty-gigabyte iPod + video is good enough for the average consumer of today, and also of the foreseeable future. I mean, it plays songs, videos, Podcasts, and even movies now--frankly, we just can't think of anything else that it needs to do."
This latest proclamation sent shockwaves through legions of Apple fanatics, who expected a replacement for the aging device to arrive at any moment. Rumors of a full-screen iPod with a virtual clickwheel have been running rampant over the internet ever since Apple patented a method of selecting songs and menus by touching the screen itself.
"Yeah, we did try to come up with a way to replace the physical control surface, but it just never worked right," said Doppler. "It kept jumping into the middle of a game of Breakout every time we tried to lower the volume on the blasted thing."
With over 25 million units sold, the Apple iPod is the most successful player ever developed in the history of mp3 devices. "You can stick one in your car, in your pocket--hell, you can even stick one in your shoe and go jogging now," bragged the Apple spokesperson.
As the press conference came to a close, Ms. Doppler fielded a few questions, and then concluded with this statement:
"If the current iPod isn't sexy enough, thin enough, or shiny enough for you, then you should just go ahead and design a replacement yourself. Because this is the best we can come up with, and we are tired of banging our heads against the wall night and day trying to improve a product that is already damn near perfect!"