Saturday, November 04, 2006

Apple Spokesperson: "No 6th Generation Touchscreen iPod--Not Now, Not Ever"

Cupertino, CA--During a recent press conference, Apple PR spokesperson Ellen Doppler sadly announced that the company is abandoning all efforts to replace the currently available 5th generation video-enabled iPod.

"Basically, we have decided that the eighty-gigabyte iPod + video is good enough for the average consumer of today, and also of the foreseeable future. I mean, it plays songs, videos, Podcasts, and even movies now--frankly, we just can't think of anything else that it needs to do."

This latest proclamation sent shockwaves through legions of Apple fanatics, who expected a replacement for the aging device to arrive at any moment. Rumors of a full-screen iPod with a virtual clickwheel have been running rampant over the internet ever since Apple patented a method of selecting songs and menus by touching the screen itself.

"Yeah, we did try to come up with a way to replace the physical control surface, but it just never worked right," said Doppler. "It kept jumping into the middle of a game of Breakout every time we tried to lower the volume on the blasted thing."

With over 25 million units sold, the Apple iPod is the most successful player ever developed in the history of mp3 devices. "You can stick one in your car, in your pocket--hell, you can even stick one in your shoe and go jogging now," bragged the Apple spokesperson.

As the press conference came to a close, Ms. Doppler fielded a few questions, and then concluded with this statement:

"If the current iPod isn't sexy enough, thin enough, or shiny enough for you, then you should just go ahead and design a replacement yourself. Because this is the best we can come up with, and we are tired of banging our heads against the wall night and day trying to improve a product that is already damn near perfect!"


Anonymous said...

prove to everyone that

1) the woman exists

2) the press conference existed

you have no source for this. didn't your mother tell you not to tell lies?

Butch said...

I am curious to see the source of this article, I personally believe it to be spam. Any link to source?

Anonymous said...

yeah people. of course there's no source, like all the other posts. if you looked closer, he's even got a disclaimer at the bottom of the page. they are pretty damn hilarious though

Darren said...

Whether it's true or not, imagine the feasibility of a virtual click wheel. How's the screen gonna look after a few hours of twiddling your greasy fingers on it? Scratched and mucky. That'll be nice for watching videos.

Anonymous said...

With the release of the iphone with the touch screen, it seems that Apple has worked out the touch-screen issues.It seems likely that there will be a touchscreen ipod in the future.

sniper.fx said...

About the expressions used by this so-called apple spokes woman or man, or whatever it is---

Surely you don't think an official spokeswoman or man can't use expressions like "hell" or whatever to be.
A person who speaks on the behalf of an organization can't afford to do that,even if she or he is an imposter or somewhat(and you're just foold, or whatever)

Not so much convincing, you know.

In the "hell" we speak! said...

I'll prove that the "women" does not exist or was just an imposter who fooled the author(or if it was him who is trying to fool us)

Everyone, concentrate your eyes on the word "hell"now what do you think?

I mean, "hell", these official spokeswomen could use expressions like "hell"---How can the "Hell"they speak such expression as "hell"-People who represents an organization can't speak out expressions like that-and "hell" if that is what she said,in the position of "spokeswoman",well, "hell", then she ought to be fired at once from company at once!

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