Friday, September 28, 2007

"Googling" Could Replace 4 Years Of Med School

The American Society of Medical Administrators (ASMA), the governing board that oversees medical licensure in the United States, is said to be considering "Googling" as an alternate path to a medical degree.

This new program may soon be a real option for students who complete four years of undergraduate work, and are then able to earn qualifying scores on the MCAT exam. In the past, this test traditionally determined if a candidate was eligible to enter an accredited medical school in the United States, but it may now be used to qualify a candidate for this alternative certification.

"Basically," stated ASMA spokesperson John S. Hopkins, "medical students are already overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information they must process and memorize, and we thought that their time could be better spent physically interacting with patients, and practicing surgical techniques on the cadavers."

"Since almost any medical diagnosis and treatment can be found on Google if you input the right set of symptoms, we just didn't see a need to send our doctors to the library for four years when they could be learning how to cut people open and sew them back up again instead."

Medical resident Lucille Carver is one of a handful of doctors participating in a pilot "Googling" program at Tufts University School of Medicine in Massachusetts. "I've got a web-enabled Motorola 'Crazer' phone with me at all times, so getting the information I need is no problem, unless I don't have reception for some reason," claims Carver.

"If that happens, I just tell patients I have to 'consult with a colleague,' and then I just go down to my office and Google the information there. After that, I usually just stroll back to the operating room, and then act like I figured it out on my own."

"With the ever-expanding body of medical knowledge we have today, it would be impossible for even the most accomplished physician to keep up with all of it," added Hopkins. "We would rather have our doctors out there concentrating on the things that really matter, like locating that missing retractor before they close their patient back up and send them on their way."

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J.'s New Book Prompts Rebuttal From Murder Victim's Father

Brentwood, CA--The impending release of author/double-murderer O.J. Simpson's If I Did It, a novel that some have called a thinly veiled confession to the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman, has inspired Ron's father Fred to pick up the pen and write a book of his own.

Simply titled If I Ran O.J. Over With My Fucking Car, & Then Dragged His Lifeless Body 500 Yards Until I Was Sure He Was Dead, the book describes a hypothetical situation in which the elder Mr. Goldman happens upon Simpson in the parking lot of his favorite golf course, and then accidentally mashes the accelerator to the floor and aims his car directly at him.

"Accidents happen every day," stated Goldman. "Of course, I would hate for any kind of terrible tragedy to befall Simpson, especially one involving the grille of my Escalade and his stupid fucking face."

"Really, my only reason for writing If I Did It is that I'm just trying to guess how this whole thing might have gone down," rebutted Simpson. "I watch a lot of crime shows and just thought I would take a stab at it. Because it is not like I was actually there that night, with a knife in my hand, sticking it into Ron Goldman's throat over and over again, even though Ron's blood was all over my shoes and clothing, and inside my old Bronco as well."

Simpson's book is expected to earn him millions, which he will undoubtedly find a way to keep hidden from the Goldman family, who have not received a penny of the thirty-three million dollar wrongful death settlement levied after Simpson was found responsible for the murders in a subsequent 1997 civil court decision.

In a related story, Simpson, who is currently being held in prison on an unrelated armed robbery, vows to track down the killers, and armed sports memorabilia robbers, and Fred Goldman, as soon as he is released from jail.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Apple Spokesperson: "No 6th Generation Touchscreen iPod--Not Now, Not Ever

Contrary to all the rumors swirling around today, Apple PR spokesperson announces that there are no plans to replace the current 5th gen iPod.

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