"Everytime I make my limo driver Stan stop at a 7/11 to pick me up an Extreme Big Gulp and some lottery tickets, I see some Iraqi-looking fella behind the counter," claimed President Bush.
"I am not saying that these clerks are necessarily involved in any of the high-level planning that goes on at the stores, but they definitely play a role."
Bush also stated that he would continue to investigate the connection between Iraqis and 7/11, even if it meant that he had to "turn the whole store upside-down" to find the cache of WMDs that he is convinced they have stashed somewhere on the premises.
"A few years back, you only saw Hindus or Koreans behind the counters of these stores. But now that the face of 7/11 seems to be changing, I think it is up to every American to stay vigilant whenever they purchase their money orders or those horoscopes-in-a-tube from these establishments," added Bush.
In addition, Bush pledged to add 7/11 clerks to the Accents of Evil, explaining that he "can never seem to understand a damn thing those guys are sayin' when they ring me up. I just tell my secret service guy to hand over to money, and then I get the hell out of there fast!"