Saturday, July 07, 2007

Bush Demands Access To Grocery Stores "Club Card" Records

Washington, DC--President Bush paid a surprise visit Thursday to the National Association of Grocery Stores (NAGS) annual convention in Omaha, Nebraska. In a short statement, the president asked all major American supermarket chains to strongly consider opening up their membership "loyalty card" databases to the NSA.

"By analyzing purchases made by customers of these retailers, the NSA and Homeland Security hope to identify patterns consistent with terrorist activity," said Bush. "After exhaustive interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay over the last three years, we think we now have a pretty good idea of what these fascists like to eat."

For example, traditional middle-eastern food purchases such as taboleh, hummus, or lavash bread would automatically raise a red flag. The NSA will also be looking for instances of customers purchasing food at a discount when it is at or near the expiration date.

"Your average terrorist isn't going to care if his milk expires two days from now if he is about to go out on a suicide bombing run," said NSA spokesperson Ron DeCase. "Those guys are used to living on a diet of rancid yak butter and sand fleas back home, so sour-tasting milk isn't going to phase them one bit."

President Bush plans to formally announce this new policy at a White House press conference sometime next week. "Because it is difficult for terrorists to move money in and out of the country, they have a keen interest in stretching the value of a dollar, not unlike the average frugal housewife," stated the president.

"We are finding that many of these evildoers carry discount cards for oil changes and video rentals as well. By mining and then analyzing this type of data, we hope to get a better picture of the type of threat that we face in the future from these penny-pinching enemies of liberty."

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