"I know it seemed like this day would never arrive," said the President in his weekly blog update. "And I know many of my fellow Americans have been hanging on to their iPod Photo players and their Minis expecting that full-screen 16x9 video player to hit the shelves at any moment."
"But for some of you, the temptation was too strong. So you went out and bought a 80-gig video iPod last month, hoping you would get to enjoy it for a while before the inevitable release of the new unit."
"Unfortunately for these miserable souls," continued President Bush, "the day of reckoning has arrived."
For those feeling particularly despondent or angry, the government has set up a 24-hour hotline where consumers can share their stories of buyer's remorse with a caring professional. In addition, the Secret Service will be escorting Steve Jobs to the office for the next few months as a precautionary measure.
"I still enjoy my original video iPod," said President Bush, "and I especially like watching those mash-ups of me rapping that Cheney gets from YouTube, though I'll admit I haven't used it much since the FBI got a hold of one of those new touch-screen jobbies for me a couple months back."
"That thing inspired me to call Steve Jobs last month to personally congratulate him for developing such a fine product for the American people. Too bad y'all have to wait 'til the summer to see what I mean."