Sunday, December 31, 2006

Memo From The President

From the desk of George W. Bush--January 1st, 2007

Good morning, my fellow Americans. As we begin a new year here in America, I think it is always wise and smart to reflect back upon the year that we just lived through, to remember the things we shouldn't forget.

For me, it was a year to be proud of. I think we made great progress in Iraq, and I can safely say now that we are somewhat closer to getting on the road that may someday lead us to a free and democratic Iraq.

Of course, one of the most important deals that went down last year in 2006 was the execution and subsequent death of Saddam Hussein. Hard to believe it has been a full year since we hung the bastard; it seems like it was only yesterday.

Now that I have had some time to process and regurgitate on the matter, I have to admit that I do kind of miss the old guy. Sure, he was a pain in the ass, and he did kill all those Kruds. Or, was it the Shits? Well, no matter, they are all gone now, and so is he.

Granted, we never found any of those weapons of mass destruction that he hid so well on us. And he did keep his composure 'til the very end, claiming that he was still the President of Iraq. Hell, I guess I would do the same thing myself if it came down to it!

Except, of course, I would need to say that I was President of the United States of America.

In any case, 2007 will be a brand new year for all of us. A year that we have never lived in. A year without Saddam, and James Brown, for that matter. And as my old friend Jim used to say, "Pappa's got a brand new bag, and he's puttin' it right over Saddam's head!"

Heh heh. I guess he didn't say all that. Anyway, Happy New Year everybody. Now let's get out there and do whatever it is we Americans do all year that makes us the great nation that I know we are.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Santa Claus Latest Victim Of Global Warming

North Pole--Santa Claus, the jolly old fellow who travels the world 'round to deliver toys to all the good girls and boys on Christmas, is resting comfortably in a North Pole hospital tonight after collapsing from heat exhaustion while loading up his enormous sleigh.

"Temperatures at the North Pole have not dipped below 75 degrees Fahrenheit this winter," explained a weary-sounding Mrs. Claus during an impromptu video-conference this morning.

"I told him to take off that stupid red suit for once, but he insisted on wearing it like the dammed stubborn fool that he is."

Hospital officials say that Santa's condition has stabilized, but that it is doubtful he will be able to make the long journey tonight in his present state. "We are hoping for some patience and understanding from the children of the world this year," explained a hospital spokesperson.

"If all goes well with his recovery, we expect to see old St. Nick up and around by mid-January, but we are asking him to take it easy for a few weeks after that and drink plenty of fluids."

In lieu of Santa delivering the presents in person, Mrs. Claus has contracted with FedEx to make the millions of deliveries to the good little girls and boys this year.

"We are asking parents to get up extra-early on Christmas morning to get the presents from the porch and put them under the tree before the kids catch on," stated Mrs. Claus.

When asked about her own wishes for the holiday, Mrs. Claus mentioned that she of course hoped to see her husband back on his feet again soon, but that she also wanted Santa to bring her a shiny new air conditioner for the workshop this year.

"I don't think I can deal will all those elves making toys in their shorts and undershirts much longer," sighed Mrs. Claus.

"It is not a pretty sight, let me tell you..."

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Timely Tips For Indoor Barbequing

Everywhere, USA--With the winter chill setting in, many of us will be moving our charcoal grills inside to provide a quick and tasty snack, not to mention some additional warmth, over the joyous holiday season.

Here are some timely tips to get the best results from your indoor barbequing from the culinary experts here at The Politics of Dancing.

1: Make sure to always use the lid when grilling indoors. Otherwise, you run the serious risk of getting nasty black soot on your ceiling and furniture. Also, putting an old blanket, or some other equally flammable object under the grill to catch the smoldering ashes is also suggested.

2: Close up all the windows and vents in the home to lock the tangy barbecue aroma into all the food you will be cooking for your family and guests this winter.

3. Disable your carbon monoxide detector before you fire up the grill. Those things are a rip-off anyway, and they are always going off in the middle of the night for no reason, scaring the ever-lovin' daylights out of you!

4. Always remember to invite you neighbors' kids and pets to share in the indoor barbequing action. You don't want them to think that you are selfish, do you? Besides, there is always plenty of food to go around at a barbecue!

5: After the meal, keep the charcoal grill smoking for the rest of the evening in case you get the urge to make yourself some s'mores after the wife and kids have drifted off to their endless sleep...

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Polite Music Pirates Gently Invade Canada

Arnprior, Ontario, Canada--The head of the Canadian Artists' Rights Protectorate (CARP) reports that his organization has finally charged a college student from Saskatoon with Canada's first case of music piracy.

"We have been searching for evidence of this type of crime in Canada, but have been unable to detect any infringing usage of Canadian music until now," said Roy L. Mounted, spokesperson for CARP.

Apparently, seminal Canadian bands such as Chilliwack, Men Without Hats, and Coney Hatch have failed to attract the attention of the downloading community thus far. Police Constable Mel "Mull" Muldoon states that the police even went as far as setting up a server "chock-full of mp3s" by such luminary Canadian artists as Gino Vanelli, Glass Tiger and Triumph, but nobody seemed willing to take the bait.

Constable Muldoon did mention that one file from the singer Andy Kim was accessed back in 2002, but it was quickly e-mailed back to the police with a note that read "Sorry--thought this was L'il Kim. My bad."

Nevertheless, as a strictly precautionary measure, Anne Murray and the 5 Man Electrical Band have been taken to a safehouse in an undisclosed location in Northern Canada for their own protection.

"We have to guard our national treasures" added spokesperson Mounted, "else we risk losing all that we Canadians hold dear to us forever."

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Woman Sent To Hospital After Nintendo Wii Accident

Burbank, CA--A local mother is in stable condition after swallowing a 'AA' cell battery that became dislodged from the Nintendo Wii remote during a particularly spirited bowling match.

"I had just made an incredible 7-10 split in Nintendo Bowling when the battery cover became loose on the 'Wiimote,' explained local exterminator Jim 'Bugs' Reynolds. Next thing I knew, I saw a friggin' Duracell 'coppertop' flying at my wife's skull."

Reynolds' wife Allie, who was cheering her husband on, was in the direct path of the battery, and ended up swallowing the 'AA' cell whole in an involuntary reaction. "She just sat there stunned for a second, and then immediately started screaming."

X-rays revealed that the battery has traveled through Mrs. Reynolds' stomach, and is now lodged in her large intestine. "The doctors say it may just pass through naturally, but if it doesn't, we are looking at some painful surgery for her, and a long recovery to boot," adds Mr. Reynolds.

This incident is just the latest headache for Nintendo, who have recently fielded consumer complaints that range from quality and compatibility issues to broken remote straps on their popular Wii gaming systems.

India Now Offering Lazy Bloggers The Option To "Outsource"

Bangalore, India--A new service offers hope to the millions of bloggers
who are unable to keep up with the daunting task of updating their blogs on a daily basis.

A company called We Write, U Pay, located in Bangalore, India, now retains a staff of six thousand writers who are all well-versed in common American blogging conventions. For a monthly fee of only $35 USD, the company guarantees to update your blog each day with relevant and engaging content, or they will refund your money.

Company spokesperson Gurpmaloney Changtremeshu explains that "most blogs are written by bored, petulant fourteen year-olds, so many of the freelance writers we retain are that age or younger."

"This way, we can be sure that our writers know specific details about commonly blogged subjects, such as the most popular new ringtones released the rapper Jibbs, and the many lame sexual references that can be made based on the name of the new the Nintendo Wii gaming system.

One of the first customers to sign up for the service is a Los Angeles-based writer in her forties, who recently established a blog called Bye Bye Buy, which ironically enough is about her supposed attempt to curb her outrageous spending habits in the upcoming year.

"This particular one is very easy for me to write," stated freelance Indian blogger Surigesh Chitilatto, "because I am only paid three dollars for each sixteen-hour shift I work for the company."

Chitilatto adds that "my latest blogging post I sent to this woman offers some helpful suggestions to stretch the dollar, like leaving your goats outside the barn at night, so that they will produce pre-chilled milk for you in the morning."

Demand for this useful service is expected to be high, as there are already millions of poorly maintained and underutilized sites clogging up the blogosphere that make up the target market of this fledgling Indian company.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Gen 2 iPod Shuffle 2 Easy 2 Lose?

Cupertino. CA--After numerous consumer complaints on forums and message boards, the Apple corporation is considering a recall of all second generation iPod Shuffle mp3 players to fix a serious defect in the trendy and popular music devices.

Apparently, after conducting some high-level focus groups to deal with the issue, Apple now admits that the form factor of the redesigned iPod Shuffle is now too small for most consumers to locate in their pockets, purses, and automobiles.

"I guess this had to happen at some point," said Apple spokesperson Ellen Doppler. "We keep making these things smaller and smaller, and it looks like we have designed ourselves into a corner this time."

"The problem is," added Doppler, "it is a corner in which nobody can seem to find their iPods anymore!"

College student Randall Wolfe is one of the thousands of shoppers who purchased a new iPod Shuffle as soon as they hit the shelves last week. "It looked so cool sitting there in the package, that I had to break it out of the plastic and touch it before I got home."

"Unfortunately," Wolfe continued, "it popped out of the package, and landed on the floor of my car somewhere. That was almost ten days ago, and I still can't see the damn thing anywhere!"

Apple is proposing a temporary fix while they work on a new redesign for the player. "Any customer who returns their new Shuffle to the Apple store, assuming of course that they can still find it, will receive a special snap-on case with an extra two inches of plastic added to the base and a lanyard to make the device easier for consumers to locate," explained Doppler.

Also, customers will receive a voucher to trade in their iPods for a larger replacement model, whenever Apple actually gets around to making one.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Clooney Shares Fond Memories Of His Beloved Pig "Max"

Malibu, CA--In a private ceremony held near Malibu Cove yesterday, George Clooney eulogized his pet pig "Max," who passed away from natural causes this week at the ripe-old pig age of 18.

Clooney's pig, who suffered from arthritis and was partly blind to boot, died alone in his ultra-deluxe pig pen when Clooney was away from home promoting his new film The Good German.

Clooney, barely choking back the tears, claimed "Max was like a lover to me. Did I say lover? I meant brother..."

"I had a bulldog that died this year, too," added the clearly distraught actor.

Other celebrities in attendance at the porcine funeral included Tom Arnold, Rosie O'Donnell, and Cher. Cher briefly spoke as well, saying "you know, I think Max was the wife that Clooney never had. Except that he was a boy."

After the touching ceremony, the guests were treated to a luscious buffet that included nearly 300 pounds of aged ham hocks, back bacon, and pork tenderloin sandwiches.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Local Man Wastes Entire Day Waiting For Direct Deposit To Post

Burbank, CA--Local phone sales representative Elton Riggles is embarrassed to admit that he spent the better part of his day on Saturday patiently waiting for evidence of his direct deposit to show up in his bank account.

"At my last telemarketing job, they just paid cash," said Riggles, "but sometimes I lost it on the way to the bank. Well, OK, I lost it at the bar on the way to the bank."

"But, this time, my new employer said that my paycheck would be directly deposited into my account. I thought it was nice of them to offer to drive down to the bank and give them my check, but then this lady in the payroll department explained that this was all done through electronics."

Riggles mentioned that he initially took the job because they told him that they paid "bi-weekly," which he assumed meant that he got paid twice a week. "I thought that was really cool, because usually by the middle of the week, I am like totally out of cash anyway."

After the payroll department straightened out the misunderstanding, they encouraged Riggles to set up an online bank account, so he could take advantage of the direct deposit program.

"They told me I was getting paid on the 30th, so I figured I would check to see if the money was there when I woke up," said Riggles. "When I saw my balance was still like forty-three cents, I figured it hadn't."

"Long story short, I ended up spending most of the afternoon in my pajamas sitting in front of the computer waiting to get paid! Finally, I called the bank, and they told me they don't update the site on the weekend."

"I felt kind of dumb after that."

Riggles is thinking of going back to his old job, which "kind of sucked, but at least I got my money when they said I would get it."