Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Madonna Claims Britney's Baby As Her Own

London, England--After participating in a controversial adoption of a Malawian orphan boy last week that some have called an outright kidnapping, pop star Madonna is now claiming parental rights to Britney Spears' newborn son as well.

Britney's second son, Sutton Pierce, was born to Spears last month in a Santa Monica hospital. The father is rumored to be her generally good-for-nothing husband Kevin Federline, who Madonna describes as a "wanna-be rapper who couldn't find a solid rhythm with a radar gun and a divining rod."

Yesterday, Spears and Federline filed a police report claiming that two masked men broke into their Malibu mansion and took little Sutton in the name of a mysterious organization known only as the "Ciccone Collective."

"They like totally took my baby away just now," said a strangely calm Mrs. Spears over the phone to the 911 operator. "I mean, I've got another one, but that just isn't a very nice thing to do!"

"Yo, where be the baby--this ain't no joke at all. They came in the night, and snuck him down the hall," added Federline.

Madonna's troubles began last week when she "adopted" her new son David right out of the arms of his father during a recent trip to Malawi. "His mother was dead, so I just figured he'd be better off with me and Guy back in England," claimed Madonna.

"On the flight back home, I decided that David needed a playmate. It was then that I remembered poor Sutton Pierce, and thought that I would do him a big favor by adopting him as well."

Spears and Federline have yet to press charges, and both even agree that Madonna probably acted in the best interest of their child.

"Yo check this--neither Britney or I are working right now," explained Federline. "No kid of mine is going to grow up in a mansion without the basic luxuries, if I can help it."

"Besides," added Spears, "I'm pregnant again anyway."

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