"I mean, I know it is one mother of a donut, but we did that to attract customers, not terrorists," said franchise owner Sandy Cruller. "Maybe our proximity to the LAX airport, or the fact that a lot of off-duty cops and security guards hang out here after-hours put us in this predicament."
In fact, a recent videotape broadcast on Al-Jazeera television mentioned Sandy's Donuts by name, which shot the pastry shop to the top of the watch list. During this latest rant, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, new leader of the Islamic militant group al-Qaeda, shook a bony finger in the air and shouted "death to all donut-consuming Americans, especially the ones that hang out at Sandy's Donuts near the airport."
With the extra funds provided by the Office of Homeland Security, Cruller has been able to retain an elite squad of trained snipers to protect his gigantic plaster and fiberglass donut. In addition, strategically mounted security cameras and motion detectors have been installed on the premises, and guard dogs patrol the property at night.
"All this extra security has pretty much scared away all my customers, but at least I get to sleep in now," said Cruller. "I actually wouldn't mind a visit from the terrorists at this point, as long as they picked up a couple dozen bear claws before heading off to their next target."