AIDS Sufferer Only Feels Poorer After Purchasing Red iPod

Sierra Madre, CA--Unemployed house painter Oscar Goldman, who was infected with the AIDS virus over a decade ago while addicted to heroin, reports that the symptoms of his disease have not eased much since his purchase of a red iPod Nano last week.

"Both Steve Jobs and Bono said that buying this red Nano would help in the global fight against AIDS, but truthfully, I feel just as crappy as ever," said Goldman. "I even listened to motivational Podcasts on my new iPod all weekend 'til the batteries died, but I still never saw much improvement in my condition."

The special edition "Product Red" iPod Nano is the latest in the lineup of popular music players released by Apple. It holds close to 1,000 songs, and retails for around $199 in most stores.

"Don't get me wrong," stated Goldman, "it is really a nice little player with a lot of cool features for the price. I just don't think Apple should take advantage of people who are already in rough shape by making these outrageous health claims just to move a few more units."

On top of everything else," Goldman added, "the latest reports are that some of these iPods are actually carrying dangerous viruses themselves."

"How is that supposed to make matters any better for people in my unfortunate situation? If I had wanted this much trouble, I would have just bought myself a Zune!"