Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Family Still Awaits Refund Of "Assault Rifle Deposit" From Bin Laden

Baghdad, Iraq—In a recent speech broadcast on Al-Jazeera television, Iraq called on America to facilitate the "swift and safe return" of terrorist mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's personal effects.

"We insist that George Bush complies with our demands at once. Besides, some of the items in Zarqawi's possession at the time he was killed were issued to him by his employer, al-Qaeda, and Bush has no right to keep them this long," stated Jalal Talabani, the current Iraqi president.

Furthermore, it has been reported that Zarqawi's successor is having a hard time transitioning into his new role, as Zarqawi had the key to his work-issued locker on a chain around his neck at the time of his death. "I am entitled to a few things he has in there, like his copy of the Qu'ran, and a couple of spare burkas," stated Abu Ayyub al-Masri, new leader of the Islamic militant group.

"Also, I think he had one of those nifty wind-up emergency flashlight/radios with the built-in siren. I always wanted one of those." added al-Masri.

"Besides, I've been carrying everything I need for my new job around in a backpack for the last couple months—I’m sure nobody will ever mistake me for a suicide bomber if I keep this up."

In addition to the safe return of his body, Zarqawi's grieving relatives also hope that the US will return the Kalashnikov AK-47 assult rifle issued to Zarqawi when he joined al-Qaeda in 1993.

"Osama made him put a twenty-five dollar deposit on that rifle, and we would like to reclaim that money for the family," stated Zarqawi's second wife Isra. "We have asked Osama to show some mercy, but he is one heartless son-of-a-Syrian-bitch when it comes to returning money."

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