Iraq To Be Split Into Thirds; Citizens Told To Choose Sides

Washington, DC--In a stunning announcement this morning, General Tommy Franks outlined our government's plan to divide war-torn Iraq into three separate regions, or "zones," each with a distinct flavor and personality. "The citizens of Iraq will have 90 days to move into one of these zones, assuming of course that they have the means to travel safely without military escort. If not, we will draw the lines anyway in three months and make the choice for them."

The decision on where to live is expected to be based on each family's religious preferences, political affiliations, and their ability to tolerate endless re-runs of "Hannity and Combs." At press time, the three designated zones were identified as NeoConistan, Colbertia, and The Republic of Oprah.

NeoConistan, which is expected to be the most sparsely populated region, will also be the most heavily fortified. Nobody will be allowed entry into NeoConistan unless they can recite the titles of Ann Coulter's last three books at will while humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic."

On the other hand, Colbertia will be occupied by those citizens who are so distraught over the poor condition of their beloved country, that they have taken refuge in dark humor satire as a last resort to ease their suffering. Residents of this area will be treated to nightly broadcasts of "Hurry Up, He's Dead," a Dubai-based television series that chronicles the hilarious misadventures of Saayed, the last living Iraqi citizen.

Finally, those looking to escape into a land of self-empowerment will likely head for The Republic of Oprah, which will feature daily giveaways and tips to make the "best out of a bad situation." Citizens of The Republic of Oprah will be told repeatedly that they can "have it all," including a career, a family, and a happy homelife, even if the infrastructure of their country has been bombed back to the Stone Age, and the power only stays on for thirty to forty-five minutes per day.