"George Bush called to congratulate me on getting accepted to Delta College, and also expressed his heartfelt condolences regarding my grandmother, who passed away last August," said Roberts.
"In fact, he seemed to be up on all the current events in my life, including my girlfriend's recent pregnancy scare, my recent purchase of the Battlestar Galactica season 2.5 DVD box set, and the fact that I was late on the payments for the Jetta (again)."
Roberts can only attribute the "frightening" amount of personal knowledge possessed by the president to the fact that the NSA has been compiling a database of millions of civilian phone calls in their heavily-fortified Cheyenne Springs, WY data center.
"Although I feel that my privacy has been personally violated and that we are losing freedoms granted to us by the Constitution at an alarming rate, I do appreciate the president recommending the film Borat, which I had mentioned that had I wanted to see in a recent phone call to my mom."
In addition, Roberts mentioned that the president also suggested that he should "take it easy" with the coursework, and save some time in his schedule for some good, old-fashioned college binge drinking and "hanging with the ladies."