"Celebrity Paranormal Project" Wins Prestigious Award

Salem, MA--A publicity staffer for VH1's popular reality television series Celebrity Paranormal Project announced Thursday that the show has won the coveted "Best Reason To End It All" award this year.

This honor, which is given out each year by American Nihilist magazine, recognizes outstanding achievement in the area of "making us feel like there is really just no reason to carry on," stated magazine spokesperson Will Tupawer.

"Anybody who spends even one hour of their life watching non-starters like Picabo Street and Joe Piscopo wander around an abandoned insane asylum sniffing out 'paranormal activity' really needs to question whether they are just taking up space on planet Earth at this point," claims Tupawer.

"Of course, the fact that Picabo Street and Joe Piscopo even ended up working together on any television series in our lifetime probably constitutes paranormal activity in and of itself, but that is another matter entirely."

Gay Couples In A Quandary Over New Jersey Court Ruling

Trenton, NJ--In a 4-3 decision made last Wednesday, the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that committed same-sex couples must be granted the same rights and benefits enjoyed by opposite-sex couples under the civil marriage statutes.

While this would seem to be welcome news for all supporters of the gay marriage issue, many committed same-sex couples expressed mixed feelings about the landmark decision.

"New Jersey! Are you kidding me? You mean we have to leave West Hollywood and move to...Secaucus," asked motion picture wardrobe assistant Edd O'Herlihy. "Couldn't this have happened in a more picturesque state, say Vermont?"

Bush Erects 700 Mile Fence To Keep Americans From Leaving

Washington, DC--President Bush has just signed into law a bill that authorizes an initial 1.2 billion dollar downpayment on a plan to build 700 miles of fencing along the southern US border to keep our citizens from fleeing to Mexico.

The new law, known as the Secure Fence Act, provides for the construction of a highly-fortified, double-layered barrier which is to be patrolled night and day by border agents, attack dogs, and laser-firing robots programmed to immediately vaporize any American trying to leave the country.

"With this unjustified war raging on for years, five-dollar-a-gallon gas, and the whole East Coast vs. West Coast rap rivalry heating up again, it just seemed like a good time to get the hell out," said used car salesman Marv Berman.

Berman, along with his entire family, were recently detained for questioning when they attempted to hop the fence at the Firecrotch, New Mexico border crossing point. Berman was found to be carrying nearly ten thousand dollars in American currency in one pocket, and a Franklin "English to Spanish" electronic language translator in the other.

In addition, Mexican authorities have noticed an alarming influx of "gringos" on the streets of Mexico City in recent months, who are reportedly wreaking havoc on the local economy. "They are sending home prices through the roof here and demanding Starbuck's coffee houses on every corner," says respected businessman Hector Gonzales.

"We used to enjoy leisurely siestas each afternoon, but now we are all too buzzed on that high-octance Starbucks java to even sleep a wink!"

President Bush has also authorized a series of television commercials urging Americans to resist the temptation to denounce their American citizenship and emigrate to Mexico.

"Sure, this country faces a set of perplexing problems with no ready solution in site, and the quality of life in America is falling faster than our housing prices," admits President Bush.

"But if you are rich, white, and well-connected, this is still a great place to live!"

A Review Of The First Seventeen Minutes Of The Film “Borak”

(Reprinted without permission from the Traverse City Sentinel, Traverse City, MI.)

A couple weeks ago, I was leafing through the newspaper when I noticed that an interesting-sounding foreign film was playing at The Traverse City Film Festival this year. The film, called "Borak: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan," was supposed to be a documentary made by a Kazakh journalist about his experiences in America.

It sounded pretty good to me, so I found a sitter for the poodles, and Rosemary and I headed off to the film festival. Right away, I knew there was going to be trouble. The film starts out with Borak passionately kissing his sister, who he says is a famous prostitute in his country. Then he introduces his neighbor, who is a rapist, and his wife, who he describes as "ugly."

Truthfully, after only about five minutes, I didn’t know how much more I could stand of this man. But Rosemary doesn’t get to go out very much since her back surgery, and we had already paid the sitter, so I thought I would give the film one more chance.

That is when things really got ugly.

In the movie, Borak decides he needs a gun for some reason, so he goes to a gun store, and asks the owner what kind of gun he will need to kill a Jew! As a longtime member of Jews For Jesus, I just couldn’t sit there and watch this man denigrate my chosen religion.

The worst part was that many people in the audience were laughing at this. I guess they were a particularly mean crowd or something. In any case, after only 17 minutes, I told Rosemary we had had enough! So this evening wasn't a total loss, we got back in the mini-van, and decided to spend the rest of the night at the A & W drive-in instead talking and drinking milkshakes like we did back when we were dating.

20th Century Fox should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t know how any major company could condone this type of racism and sexism in a film. Rosemary and I rarely go out to the movies anymore, because most of them feature things we’d rather not see, like drug use and promiscuous sexual behavior. But "Borak" is in a class by itself.

Any film that advocates putting women in cages and raping animals is not going to score many points with me. For some reason, the audience seemed to be enjoying this type of entertainment, but as for Rosemary and I, we’d rather stay home with the dogs from now on if this is the kind of filth and degradation that passes for cinema these days.

--Jim Buggens, reporting for the Traverse City Sentinel

College Student Impressed With President's Knowledge Of His Personal Life

Saginaw, MI--Local college student Benjamin Roberts had the shock of his life last Thursday when he retrieved a voice mail message sent from none other than the President of the United States himself.

"George Bush called to congratulate me on getting accepted to Delta College, and also expressed his heartfelt condolences regarding my grandmother, who passed away last August," said Roberts.

"In fact, he seemed to be up on all the current events in my life, including my girlfriend's recent pregnancy scare, my recent purchase of the Battlestar Galactica season 2.5 DVD box set, and the fact that I was late on the payments for the Jetta (again)."

Roberts can only attribute the "frightening" amount of personal knowledge possessed by the president to the fact that the NSA has been compiling a database of millions of civilian phone calls in their heavily-fortified Cheyenne Springs, WY data center.

"Although I feel that my privacy has been personally violated and that we are losing freedoms granted to us by the Constitution at an alarming rate, I do appreciate the president recommending the film Borat, which I had mentioned that had I wanted to see in a recent phone call to my mom."

In addition, Roberts mentioned that the president also suggested that he should "take it easy" with the coursework, and save some time in his schedule for some good, old-fashioned college binge drinking and "hanging with the ladies."

Bush Calls For Tighter Borders As Hurricane Paul Touches Down In Baja

Baja California--In a recent press conference, President Bush expressed concern that American hurricanes would not be able to find much work in the future if storm systems like Paul continued to escape from Mexico and enter the United States illegally.

"We must put all of our efforts into keeping hurricanes like Paul out of our country, since they bring wages down for local cyclones, and tend to put a strain on many of our resources as well," said the president.

"For this reason, I am urging the National Guard to be extra vigilant over the weekend in their attempts to keep Mexican hurricanes from crossing our borders."

President Bush went on to say that he was disappointed with the worldwide response to Norman and Oliver--two previous American hurricanes that failed to cause much of a stir and eventually petered out somewhere off the coast of North Carolina.

"Of course, a hurricane like Paul is going to cause twice as much damage as American storm, and do it for a much lower price, because it has nothing to lose. Paul probably comes from a country where there are no personal freedoms; one which is run by a ruthless dictator who controls all the weather within his own territory," explained President Bush.

"Any hurricane that manages to survive that kind of persecution is just going to end up making trouble for all of us here in the States. I know all that torrential rain and thunder is impressive--hell, even I am impressed---but hurricanes like Paul are just ill foreign winds that ain't going to end up blowing anybody any good."

North Korea Now Regrets Testing Solitary Nuke

Pyongyang, North Korea--Yesterday, North Korean nutjob Kim Jong-Il announced that his country would refrain from testing any more of their nuclear weapons, for the simple reason that they have run out of them.

"After years of very painful trial and error, we finally figured out how to make one," stated current North Korean Official Minister of Nuclear Explosions Jim Bong-Full.

The minister went on to admit that the nuclear device detonated underground earlier this month was the only one North Korea had ever managed to successfully produce.

"We all posed for pictures next to it," noted Bong-Full, "but then Kim Jong-Il, in his infinite wisdom, asked us to test it to make sure that it would really work this time."

The former Minister of Nuclear Explosions, Him Long-Gone, made the unwise suggestion that North Korea might refrain from testing their entire nuclear arsenal of one weapon, and instead just hope that it worked when they needed it.

"Mr Long-Gone was allowed to witness the underground detonation first-hand when he was tied to a chair next to the device and ordered at gunpoint to light the fuse himself," Bong-Full confessed.

North Korea also confessed that a picture leaked to the internet showing thousands of nuclear warheads lined up in a North Korean warehouse was really just a digitally manipulated promotional photograph from the 1983 movie "War Games," which starred Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy.

"I wish I could say that we have been given permission to try to build another nuke," stated Bong-Full, "but Kim Jong-Il has all of our top scientists busy trying to figure out why our Tapeodong II missiles keep blowing in in mid-air 30 seconds after we fire them off."

Madonna Claims Britney's Baby As Her Own

London, England--After participating in a controversial adoption of a Malawian orphan boy last week that some have called an outright kidnapping, pop star Madonna is now claiming parental rights to Britney Spears' newborn son as well.

Britney's second son, Sutton Pierce, was born to Spears last month in a Santa Monica hospital. The father is rumored to be her generally good-for-nothing husband Kevin Federline, who Madonna describes as a "wanna-be rapper who couldn't find a solid rhythm with a radar gun and a divining rod."

Yesterday, Spears and Federline filed a police report claiming that two masked men broke into their Malibu mansion and took little Sutton in the name of a mysterious organization known only as the "Ciccone Collective."

"They like totally took my baby away just now," said a strangely calm Mrs. Spears over the phone to the 911 operator. "I mean, I've got another one, but that just isn't a very nice thing to do!"

"Yo, where be the baby--this ain't no joke at all. They came in the night, and snuck him down the hall," added Federline.

Madonna's troubles began last week when she "adopted" her new son David right out of the arms of his father during a recent trip to Malawi. "His mother was dead, so I just figured he'd be better off with me and Guy back in England," claimed Madonna.

"On the flight back home, I decided that David needed a playmate. It was then that I remembered poor Sutton Pierce, and thought that I would do him a big favor by adopting him as well."

Spears and Federline have yet to press charges, and both even agree that Madonna probably acted in the best interest of their child.

"Yo check this--neither Britney or I are working right now," explained Federline. "No kid of mine is going to grow up in a mansion without the basic luxuries, if I can help it."

"Besides," added Spears, "I'm pregnant again anyway."

Ozzy Osbourne Announces Retirement In Wake Of Chavez's Comments To U.N.

Beverly Hills, CA--Aging demonic rocker Ozzy Osbourne has announced his retirement from the music business in the wake of comments recently made by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez describing George Bush as a "racist, imperialist devil."

"All my life, people have called me 'The Prince of Darkness,' even me mum," said Osbourne in a recent press gathering at his Beverly Hills estate.

"It kind of takes some of the sting out of it now that they are calling President Bush that as well."

Osbourne is referring to a speech made yesterday to the U.N. general assembly by Chavez where he called Bush "The Great Satan," and mentioned that he thought he still smelled sulfur at the podium where Bush recently spoke, which we will admit is a pretty good line.

Osbourne, who rose to fame as the lead singer of the proto-metal outfit Black Sabbath, has made a career out of biting the heads off of small woodland creatures and acting in a generally menacing, if not altogether threatening manner.

"I've spent the last 40 years singing in front of flaming devil heads and spitting out fake blood at my fans, and now Bush comes along and steals my thunder just by starting an unnecessary war," moaned Osbourne.

"If you all will pardon me now, I need to go and remove all of the crosses and pentagrams from my walls and replace them with pictures of Hello Kitty."

AIDS Sufferer Only Feels Poorer After Purchasing Red iPod

Sierra Madre, CA--Unemployed house painter Oscar Goldman, who was infected with the AIDS virus over a decade ago while addicted to heroin, reports that the symptoms of his disease have not eased much since his purchase of a red iPod Nano last week.

"Both Steve Jobs and Bono said that buying this red Nano would help in the global fight against AIDS, but truthfully, I feel just as crappy as ever," said Goldman. "I even listened to motivational Podcasts on my new iPod all weekend 'til the batteries died, but I still never saw much improvement in my condition."

The special edition "Product Red" iPod Nano is the latest in the lineup of popular music players released by Apple. It holds close to 1,000 songs, and retails for around $199 in most stores.

"Don't get me wrong," stated Goldman, "it is really a nice little player with a lot of cool features for the price. I just don't think Apple should take advantage of people who are already in rough shape by making these outrageous health claims just to move a few more units."

On top of everything else," Goldman added, "the latest reports are that some of these iPods are actually carrying dangerous viruses themselves."

"How is that supposed to make matters any better for people in my unfortunate situation? If I had wanted this much trouble, I would have just bought myself a Zune!"

Iconic Los Angeles Donut Shop Makes National "Terror Target" List

Inglewood, CA--The proprietor of Sandy's Donuts, a Los Angeles landmark of sorts, was surprised to learn that his shop had recently been placed on the Office of Homeland Security's list of likely al-Qaeda terror targets.

"I mean, I know it is one mother of a donut, but we did that to attract customers, not terrorists," said franchise owner Sandy Cruller. "Maybe our proximity to the LAX airport, or the fact that a lot of off-duty cops and security guards hang out here after-hours put us in this predicament."

In fact, a recent videotape broadcast on Al-Jazeera television mentioned Sandy's Donuts by name, which shot the pastry shop to the top of the watch list. During this latest rant, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, new leader of the Islamic militant group al-Qaeda, shook a bony finger in the air and shouted "death to all donut-consuming Americans, especially the ones that hang out at Sandy's Donuts near the airport."

With the extra funds provided by the Office of Homeland Security, Cruller has been able to retain an elite squad of trained snipers to protect his gigantic plaster and fiberglass donut. In addition, strategically mounted security cameras and motion detectors have been installed on the premises, and guard dogs patrol the property at night.

"All this extra security has pretty much scared away all my customers, but at least I get to sleep in now," said Cruller. "I actually wouldn't mind a visit from the terrorists at this point, as long as they picked up a couple dozen bear claws before heading off to their next target."

The Jury Is Still Out On Sex Offender Trading Cards

Los Angeles, CA--An unusual proposal by The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department to market a set of trading cards featuring some of the most notorious sexual deviants in Southern California drew a decidedly mixed response during a recent public hearing on the matter.

Seen as a way to offset the cost of housing, processing & keeping track of the nearly 12,000 registered sex offenders who now call Los Angeles home, the idea was suggested by a local officer whose teenage son had purchased a set of playing cards featuring the images of serial killers on them from a friend at school.

Nevertheless, many members of the public who attended the hearing last Thursday said they would vote against any initiative that resulted in additional notoriety and exposure for those who decide to commit sex crimes.

"These guys need to be put away somewhere and left to rot. The last thing we need is to see the faces of these scumbags on a set of playing cards at the Wal-Mart counter," said a local teacher who asked not to be identified.

"What is going to be next for them--T-shirts or maybe even lunchboxes? We already have a culture that idolizes celebrity above all else. Let's not include registered sex offenders on that list just to generate a few extra bucks for the city."

Google Receives First Shipment Of Videos From YouTube

Mountain View, CA--Six fully-loaded semi trucks backed up to the loading dock at the Googleplex last week, swung their doors wide open, and began the arduous process of transferring the physical assets of YouTube.com to the Google corporation.

YouTube.com, a popular video sharing website, was purchased last week by Google, for a total of nearly 1.65 billion dollars worth of Google stock, or nearly 14 shares of the company at today's prices.

"We expected to find a bunch of desks and file cabinets inside, but were shocked to learn that each of these six trucks were packed full of crates containing all of the original hard copies of the videos hosted on the site," said Google warehouse manager Steven Browne.

"I saw seven or eight huge crates inside one of these rigs that just had 'Numa Numa' scrawled on the side in black Sharpie. Looks like this is going to be a bit more work than we expected."

A spokesperson from Google admitted that the company was surprised to learn that YouTube had been receiving physical copies of the more than 4.7 million videos hosted on their site, which they had been reviewing and uploading manually to their servers since the site went live last November.

"We thought the users did all that stuff on their own," said the company spokesperson. "I guess we didn't really know what we were getting into here--that sure is a lot of Numa Numa to go through!"

In an interview with The Sacramento Bee published in this Sunday's edition of the paper, founders Chad Hurley and Steve Chen admitted that they spent most of their time at YouTube sorting through and digitizing the thousands and thousands of user-submitted videos that arrived in the mailbox each and every day.

"It was pretty overwhelming," said Hurley. "I had to take boxes of those things home every weekend as well--it was driving my wife nuts."

"Frankly, I can't believe Google gave us so much for the company," added Chen. "At this point, I would have paid them 1.65 billion as long as they just guaranteed that I never had to sit through that stupid 'Lazy Sunday' video ever again!"

MySpace Wants YourCash!

Berkeley, CA--Popular social networking website MySpace.com announced on Friday that they plan to gradually roll out the subscription phase of their business model over the next three months.

The service, dubbed MySpace Plus, will be offered to the site's nearly 100 million unique users at an introductory cost of $9.95 a month. Subscribers to the service will enjoy faster page loading, access to unique content, and ad-free surfing for as long as they continue to pay the additional fee. In addition, membership in MySpace Plus guarantees that the user's page will not be randomly deleted from the site, as many pages have over the past few weeks for reasons unknown to the general public.

Another advantage subscribers will enjoy is that they will be provided with the real names, addresses, and phone numbers of all of the "friends" displayed on their homepage. Founder Tom Anderson admits there are some privacy concerns, but also feels that this is the right time for MySpace users to move from the world of virtual friends to the world of living, breathing human ones.

"Sure, it is great to have a lot of friends listed on your homepage, but how many of them do you actually get to meet and hang out with" asked Anderson. "This way, if you are looking for something to do on a Saturday night, you can just ring up one of your many MySpace Plus pals, or better yet stop by their house and see what they are up to for the evening."

Initial response to this change has been mostly favorable, though MySpace staffers notice that the ages listed in profiles have sharply trended upwards since the new service was announced. Also, many profile photos have recently been removed as well from the site, as members are assumed to be in the process of replacing them with ones actually taken at some point within the last decade.

HSN Rolls Out Shop-By-Remote Service: America, Has It Really Come To This?

Terre Haute, IN--In a move designed to free fat and lazy Americans from having to actually get up and grab the phone, The Home Shopping Network and Time Warner Cable have announced a partnership to bring shopping by remote control to all of its subscribers by 2007.

"With just a few clicks of the remote, customers will be able to order virtually anything we sell on HSN, without having to put down the labor-saving device that they are currently holding to go and pick up another," says HSN spokesperson Esteban Finkelstein.

"In addition, we are in talks with UPS to develop a system to bring the packages right to the customer's couch, since our current system of mail delivery requires the customer to get up to answer the door, and then manually transport the package into the house upon arrival."

With this new shop-by-remote service, HSN also hopes to attract the business of millions of Americans who can't be bothered to walk over to the computer and order the products they see advertised on television through their online shopping portal.

"Americans spend all day sitting in air-conditioned cubicles sipping coffee and surfing the net while they pretend that they are working. When they come home, the last thing they want to do is to get back on the computer just to do their shopping," said Finkelstein.

"That is what the office is for."

eBay Approves New "Gasoline" Auction Category

San Jose, CA--Internet auction giant eBay announced Thursday that they have approved the auctioning of gasoline on their popular trading website.

"With the wild fluctuations in the price of fuel from state to state, and the expectation that costs will rise dramatically this winter due to tensions in the Middle East, we just figured the timing was right," stated eBay CEO Meg Whitman.

One of the first members to take advantage of this policy shift is eBay Power Seller RedneckWoman27, based in Lubbock, Texas. "Fuel is a bit cheaper here in our area, so even with shipping, auction winners still save a few cents per gallon--especially if they are out in California," said the noted seller.

Eldon Reynolds, A local Glendale man, took it one step further yesterday by backing up a gas tanker to his house and filling his empty 18,000 gallon swimming pool with gasoline. "I figure the price is only gonna keep going up and up," said Reynolds. "Soon, the contents of my pool with be worth more than my entire house."

"It's not so bad once you get used to the smell, and the fact that the kids are bitching all the time because they can't go swimming."

One early issue facing eBay is that some sellers are specifiying the "local pickup only" option on their gasoline auctions. eBay CEO Whitman says that, depending on where you live, "this may defeat the purpose of the auction entirely, especially if you have to drive a great distance to pick up your item."

Another concerned party is the postal service, who are expecting to deliver thousands of leaky, rusted-out gasoline cans to their customers over the coming weeks.

"Lots of people are angry because their mail already smells like gas, and every dog on your route wants a piece of you when you show up at the house in a HazMat suit," stated a local carrier, who wished to remain anonymous.

In addition, fire departments report a rash of gas siphoning accidents in all major metropolitan areas, not to mention all of the mysterious "swimming pool fires" we have seen in recent days...

Thief Steals Saab, iPod--Guess Which Was Worth More!

Springfield, MO—A local college student thought he could handle the fact that his 1989 Saab 900 was stolen over the weekend, until he realized that the 30 gigabyte video iPod in the glove compartment was worth more than three times the present value of his car!

Music major Geoff Coleman was headed off to band practice when he noticed that his car was missing from its assigned space in the dorm garage. "At first, I thought someone was playing a joke on me. I just couldn’t believe that anyone would want to steal a seventeen year-old Saab with over 200K on the odometer!"

When Coleman realized that the car had actually been stolen, the first thing he thought about was his iPod. "I tossed it in the glove compartment right after class. I almost never do that."

Coleman’s mood became even more foul, however, when he started to add up how much money he had spent downloading music onto his Apple iPod over the last few months. "I guess I went pretty crazy when first I got it. I must have downloaded close to a hundred CDs from iTunes so far."

"That is well over a grand in music alone," figures Coleman. "If you add in the cost of replacing the iPod, that is almost three times more than the five hundred bucks I paid my friend when I bought his Saab last summer!"

Coleman’s bad luck streak started two months ago when the hard drive on his computer went out. "I still haven’t fixed it yet, and have just been borrowing my girlfriend's laptop."

"The worst part is that I never bothered to make any back-ups of my music," said Coleman.

"Pretty stupid, huh?"

Family Still Awaits Refund Of "Assault Rifle Deposit" From Bin Laden

Baghdad, Iraq—In a recent speech broadcast on Al-Jazeera television, Iraq called on America to facilitate the "swift and safe return" of terrorist mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's personal effects.

"We insist that George Bush complies with our demands at once. Besides, some of the items in Zarqawi's possession at the time he was killed were issued to him by his employer, al-Qaeda, and Bush has no right to keep them this long," stated Jalal Talabani, the current Iraqi president.

Furthermore, it has been reported that Zarqawi's successor is having a hard time transitioning into his new role, as Zarqawi had the key to his work-issued locker on a chain around his neck at the time of his death. "I am entitled to a few things he has in there, like his copy of the Qu'ran, and a couple of spare burkas," stated Abu Ayyub al-Masri, new leader of the Islamic militant group.

"Also, I think he had one of those nifty wind-up emergency flashlight/radios with the built-in siren. I always wanted one of those." added al-Masri.

"Besides, I've been carrying everything I need for my new job around in a backpack for the last couple months—I’m sure nobody will ever mistake me for a suicide bomber if I keep this up."

In addition to the safe return of his body, Zarqawi's grieving relatives also hope that the US will return the Kalashnikov AK-47 assult rifle issued to Zarqawi when he joined al-Qaeda in 1993.

"Osama made him put a twenty-five dollar deposit on that rifle, and we would like to reclaim that money for the family," stated Zarqawi's second wife Isra. "We have asked Osama to show some mercy, but he is one heartless son-of-a-Syrian-bitch when it comes to returning money."

Yahoo Offers Content-Free Music

In a bold experiment sure to send shock waves through the music industry, internet company Yahoo has released its first music download from a major record label lacking any discernible content whatsoever.

A Public Affair by Jessica Simpson is the first recording available from the popular music downloading service that has no identifiable value to any person currently living anywhere on the Planet Earth.

"We have never seen anything like this song in the history of our culture," said noted musicolgist Alto Castrato in a recent statement. "Just look at the lyrics: It's a public affair, in my underwear. Nick wants my millions, but I'm unwilling to share."

"We are unable to find a single element of the lyrical component of this piece that seems to reflect the efforts of a rational mind," said Castrato. "In addition, the musical accompaniment to this work is a hodge-podge of synthesized beeps and whirs with no cohesive theme or structure. Basically, it's a real mess."

Responding by phone to these statements, Simpson was quick to point out that "I'm like really deep and stuff, ya know? Not everybody is going to understand my art."

"It may be hundreds of years 'til humans evolve to the point where they can appreciate my work," explained Simpson. "Furthermore, the lyrics reflect the experiences of a person who has lived through a sham marriage played for laughs on a reality TV show, a questionable music career completely orchestrated by their domineering father, and a failed attempt to bring the nuances of the character of Daisy Duke to the big screen."

"Seriously now--like who could possibly relate to all of that?"

North Korean Nuke Tests Worry Bush

Washington, DC--Today's announcement that North Korea has successfully tested one of their nuclear weapons has prompted George Bush to question when we last tested our own.

"I remember seeing those films in high school science with the mushroom clouds and the melting trees, but they were in black and white," noted Bush.

"We haven't had a black and white TV for years!"

"I know we dropped a couple of nukes on Hirohito and Kawasaki during dubya dubya two and those sure did the trick, but that was way back in the '70s when I was still boozing it up," added the president. "Maybe we need to make sure that they haven't gone all gone bad by now."

President Bush's military advisor, Marshall Islands, was quick to assure the president that our nuclear weapons were kept in a constant state of readiness and that he could count on them to protect the United States in the event of attack.

"We might have a couple duds in the bunch," said Islands, "but it is not like we need to go around tapping the warheads with ball-peen hammers to make sure they are still operational."

Nevertheless, President Bush is now suggesting that we "drop one or two of those nukeuler deals somewhere just to make sure that North Korea knows we still mean business."

"Maybe a couple could accidentally fall out of a plane over Pyongyang or something. 'Cause I remember hearing about nuclear fallout back at Yale--we could just blame the whole thing on that!"

Iraq To Be Split Into Thirds; Citizens Told To Choose Sides

Washington, DC--In a stunning announcement this morning, General Tommy Franks outlined our government's plan to divide war-torn Iraq into three separate regions, or "zones," each with a distinct flavor and personality. "The citizens of Iraq will have 90 days to move into one of these zones, assuming of course that they have the means to travel safely without military escort. If not, we will draw the lines anyway in three months and make the choice for them."

The decision on where to live is expected to be based on each family's religious preferences, political affiliations, and their ability to tolerate endless re-runs of "Hannity and Combs." At press time, the three designated zones were identified as NeoConistan, Colbertia, and The Republic of Oprah.

NeoConistan, which is expected to be the most sparsely populated region, will also be the most heavily fortified. Nobody will be allowed entry into NeoConistan unless they can recite the titles of Ann Coulter's last three books at will while humming "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic."

On the other hand, Colbertia will be occupied by those citizens who are so distraught over the poor condition of their beloved country, that they have taken refuge in dark humor satire as a last resort to ease their suffering. Residents of this area will be treated to nightly broadcasts of "Hurry Up, He's Dead," a Dubai-based television series that chronicles the hilarious misadventures of Saayed, the last living Iraqi citizen.

Finally, those looking to escape into a land of self-empowerment will likely head for The Republic of Oprah, which will feature daily giveaways and tips to make the "best out of a bad situation." Citizens of The Republic of Oprah will be told repeatedly that they can "have it all," including a career, a family, and a happy homelife, even if the infrastructure of their country has been bombed back to the Stone Age, and the power only stays on for thirty to forty-five minutes per day.

North Korea Claims Capture Of U.S. Sub

Seoul, South Korea--A representative of the North Korean embassy reports that military officials have captured and rendered harmless a U.S. sub that strayed from international waters last Saturday. The sub is currently on display at the Museum of our Great and Merciless Leader in Pyongyang.

The sub, which measures twelve inches from bow to stern, was unmanned at the time of capture. From photos leaked to the FBI from an unidentified source, the submarine has been identified as a BMT Class sub on "honey oat."

"We thoroughly examined this weapon of democracy and oppression, and have carefully disassembled this device to see what capabilities it possesses," said North Korean military general Huang Chung.

"From what we can tell, the sub, which was powered by a lethal combination of ham, Genoa salami, and roasted beef, would have inflicted massive casualties on the health of the North Korean people had we not captured and defused this device in time."

American officials have refused to comment specifically on this matter, but confirm that this is part of an ongoing offensive known only as "Project Jared." In addition, a military spokesperson admits that they now expect the North Koreans to focus their efforts on capturing a "large Coke and a bag of chips" to display alongside of the shanghaied sub.