Woman Sent To Hospital After Nintendo Wii Accident

Burbank, CA--A local mother is in stable condition after swallowing a 'AA' cell battery that became dislodged from the Nintendo Wii remote during a particularly spirited bowling match.

"I had just made an incredible 7-10 split in Nintendo Bowling when the battery cover became loose on the 'Wiimote,' explained local exterminator Jim 'Bugs' Reynolds. Next thing I knew, I saw a friggin' Duracell 'coppertop' flying at my wife's skull."

Reynolds' wife Allie, who was cheering her husband on, was in the direct path of the battery, and ended up swallowing the 'AA' cell whole in an involuntary reaction. "She just sat there stunned for a second, and then immediately started screaming."

X-rays revealed that the battery has traveled through Mrs. Reynolds' stomach, and is now lodged in her large intestine. "The doctors say it may just pass through naturally, but if it doesn't, we are looking at some painful surgery for her, and a long recovery to boot," adds Mr. Reynolds.

This incident is just the latest headache for Nintendo, who have recently fielded consumer complaints that range from quality and compatibility issues to broken remote straps on their popular Wii gaming systems.

India Now Offering Lazy Bloggers The Option To "Outsource"

Bangalore, India--A new service offers hope to the millions of bloggers
who are unable to keep up with the daunting task of updating their blogs on a daily basis.

A company called We Write, U Pay, located in Bangalore, India, now retains a staff of six thousand writers who are all well-versed in common American blogging conventions. For a monthly fee of only $35 USD, the company guarantees to update your blog each day with relevant and engaging content, or they will refund your money.

Company spokesperson Gurpmaloney Changtremeshu explains that "most blogs are written by bored, petulant fourteen year-olds, so many of the freelance writers we retain are that age or younger."

"This way, we can be sure that our writers know specific details about commonly blogged subjects, such as the most popular new ringtones released the rapper Jibbs, and the many lame sexual references that can be made based on the name of the new the Nintendo Wii gaming system.

One of the first customers to sign up for the service is a Los Angeles-based writer in her forties, who recently established a blog called Bye Bye Buy, which ironically enough is about her supposed attempt to curb her outrageous spending habits in the upcoming year.

"This particular one is very easy for me to write," stated freelance Indian blogger Surigesh Chitilatto, "because I am only paid three dollars for each sixteen-hour shift I work for the company."

Chitilatto adds that "my latest blogging post I sent to this woman offers some helpful suggestions to stretch the dollar, like leaving your goats outside the barn at night, so that they will produce pre-chilled milk for you in the morning."

Demand for this useful service is expected to be high, as there are already millions of poorly maintained and underutilized sites clogging up the blogosphere that make up the target market of this fledgling Indian company.

"Buy Nothing Day" Participant Taunted Endlessly By Friends

Burbank, CA--Local community college student Elton Riggles reports that he has been the victim of merciless teasing from friends and relatives after announcing plans to stay away from the stores altogether on November 24th, a day of shopping that many look forward to all year.

Known informally as "Black Friday," this once-a-year event promises huge mark-downs and extended hours as retailers kick off the holiday shopping season.

"Around six this morning, my cell phone rang," mentioned Riggles. "It was one of my friends, sending me a picture from his camera phone of the new Nintendo Wii system he just picked up at Best Buy. I tried to ignore it, but then someone knocked on my dorm room door about five minutes later and asked to borrow my boombox to play the new Jay-Z CD they just picked up on sale at the Virgin Megastore."

Riggles also sadly noted that he had to turn down an invitation to get coffee at Starbucks with Jennifer Simmons, a member the beach volleyball team whom he has had a crush on since school began.

"I tried to explain to her that I was opting out of our materialistic, shallow culture for the day, but she just looked at me like I was nuts," sighed Riggles.

"Guess that's the last I'll see of her."