Clooney's pig, who suffered from arthritis and was partly blind to boot, died alone in his ultra-deluxe pig pen when Clooney was away from home promoting his new film The Good German.
Clooney, barely choking back the tears, claimed "Max was like a lover to me. Did I say lover? I meant brother..."
"I had a bulldog that died this year, too," added the clearly distraught actor.
Other celebrities in attendance at the porcine funeral included Tom Arnold, Rosie O'Donnell, and Cher. Cher briefly spoke as well, saying "you know, I think Max was the wife that Clooney never had. Except that he was a boy."
After the touching ceremony, the guests were treated to a luscious buffet that included nearly 300 pounds of aged ham hocks, back bacon, and pork tenderloin sandwiches.