Cheney "Pissed" That He Slept Through Most Of His Presidency

Washington, DC--In a terse public statement, Vice-President Dick Cheney blamed his wife Lynne for failing to wake him up early when he assumed the duties of the presidency for just over two hours last Saturday.

Cheney was sworn in as President at 7:16 in the morning Eastern time just before President Bush was administered a mild anesthesia during a routing surgical procedure at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

"I reminded Lynne two or three times the night before to get me up early, but I guess she had other things on her mind. By the time I got up at around nine, most of my term was already over."

Cheney also admitted that he hoped to push a new tougher version of the Patriot Act through congress and assign some more high-profile military contracts to Haliburton during his brief presidential stint, but that he was unable to meet either goal during the "twelve minutes that I was actually conscious" before they transferred power back to President Bush.

"I told Lynne to lay off the cooking sherry the night before because I had a lot of things to do on Saturday," stated Cheney. "Yet somehow, she got it into her head that I needed to get a little extra sleep during the two most important hours of my goddamn life."

New Rod Stewart CD To Feature Cover Versions Of His Own Songs!

"We've done three recordings featuring songs from Sinatra and Crosby, so it is only natural that we move into the era of popular music," said Stewart. "However, when I looked into recording songs from the '60s and '70s, I was amazed to learn that some of the best ones were originally recorded by me!"

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Bush Demands Access To Grocery Stores "Club Card" Records

Washington, DC--President Bush paid a surprise visit Thursday to the National Association of Grocery Stores (NAGS) annual convention in Omaha, Nebraska. In a short statement, the president asked all major American supermarket chains to strongly consider opening up their membership "loyalty card" databases to the NSA.

"By analyzing purchases made by customers of these retailers, the NSA and Homeland Security hope to identify patterns consistent with terrorist activity," said Bush. "After exhaustive interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay over the last three years, we think we now have a pretty good idea of what these fascists like to eat."

For example, traditional middle-eastern food purchases such as taboleh, hummus, or lavash bread would automatically raise a red flag. The NSA will also be looking for instances of customers purchasing food at a discount when it is at or near the expiration date.

"Your average terrorist isn't going to care if his milk expires two days from now if he is about to go out on a suicide bombing run," said NSA spokesperson Ron DeCase. "Those guys are used to living on a diet of rancid yak butter and sand fleas back home, so sour-tasting milk isn't going to phase them one bit."

President Bush plans to formally announce this new policy at a White House press conference sometime next week. "Because it is difficult for terrorists to move money in and out of the country, they have a keen interest in stretching the value of a dollar, not unlike the average frugal housewife," stated the president.

"We are finding that many of these evildoers carry discount cards for oil changes and video rentals as well. By mining and then analyzing this type of data, we hope to get a better picture of the type of threat that we face in the future from these penny-pinching enemies of liberty."

Really Funny Interview w/ Digg CEO Jay Adelson

In keeping with this week’s patriotic theme, I sat down with digg.com CEO Jay Adelson on the 4th of July last year to discuss the anniversary of the bicentennial, safe handling of fireworks, and his initial response to the overwhelming success of his website. What a difference a year makes--just look at digg now!

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