Memo From The President

From the desk of George W. Bush--January 1st, 2007

Good morning, my fellow Americans. As we begin a new year here in America, I think it is always wise and smart to reflect back upon the year that we just lived through, to remember the things we shouldn't forget.

For me, it was a year to be proud of. I think we made great progress in Iraq, and I can safely say now that we are somewhat closer to getting on the road that may someday lead us to a free and democratic Iraq.

Of course, one of the most important deals that went down last year in 2006 was the execution and subsequent death of Saddam Hussein. Hard to believe it has been a full year since we hung the bastard; it seems like it was only yesterday.

Now that I have had some time to process and regurgitate on the matter, I have to admit that I do kind of miss the old guy. Sure, he was a pain in the ass, and he did kill all those Kruds. Or, was it the Shits? Well, no matter, they are all gone now, and so is he.

Granted, we never found any of those weapons of mass destruction that he hid so well on us. And he did keep his composure 'til the very end, claiming that he was still the President of Iraq. Hell, I guess I would do the same thing myself if it came down to it!

Except, of course, I would need to say that I was President of the United States of America.

In any case, 2007 will be a brand new year for all of us. A year that we have never lived in. A year without Saddam, and James Brown, for that matter. And as my old friend Jim used to say, "Pappa's got a brand new bag, and he's puttin' it right over Saddam's head!"

Heh heh. I guess he didn't say all that. Anyway, Happy New Year everybody. Now let's get out there and do whatever it is we Americans do all year that makes us the great nation that I know we are.

Santa Claus Latest Victim Of Global Warming

North Pole--Santa Claus, the jolly old fellow who travels the world 'round to deliver toys to all the good girls and boys on Christmas, is resting comfortably in a North Pole hospital tonight after collapsing from heat exhaustion while loading up his enormous sleigh.

"Temperatures at the North Pole have not dipped below 75 degrees Fahrenheit this winter," explained a weary-sounding Mrs. Claus during an impromptu video-conference this morning.

"I told him to take off that stupid red suit for once, but he insisted on wearing it like the dammed stubborn fool that he is."

Hospital officials say that Santa's condition has stabilized, but that it is doubtful he will be able to make the long journey tonight in his present state. "We are hoping for some patience and understanding from the children of the world this year," explained a hospital spokesperson.

"If all goes well with his recovery, we expect to see old St. Nick up and around by mid-January, but we are asking him to take it easy for a few weeks after that and drink plenty of fluids."

In lieu of Santa delivering the presents in person, Mrs. Claus has contracted with FedEx to make the millions of deliveries to the good little girls and boys this year.

"We are asking parents to get up extra-early on Christmas morning to get the presents from the porch and put them under the tree before the kids catch on," stated Mrs. Claus.

When asked about her own wishes for the holiday, Mrs. Claus mentioned that she of course hoped to see her husband back on his feet again soon, but that she also wanted Santa to bring her a shiny new air conditioner for the workshop this year.

"I don't think I can deal will all those elves making toys in their shorts and undershirts much longer," sighed Mrs. Claus.

"It is not a pretty sight, let me tell you..."

Timely Tips For Indoor Barbequing

Everywhere, USA--With the winter chill setting in, many of us will be moving our charcoal grills inside to provide a quick and tasty snack, not to mention some additional warmth, over the joyous holiday season.

Here are some timely tips to get the best results from your indoor barbequing from the culinary experts here at The Politics of Dancing.

1: Make sure to always use the lid when grilling indoors. Otherwise, you run the serious risk of getting nasty black soot on your ceiling and furniture. Also, putting an old blanket, or some other equally flammable object under the grill to catch the smoldering ashes is also suggested.

2: Close up all the windows and vents in the home to lock the tangy barbecue aroma into all the food you will be cooking for your family and guests this winter.

3. Disable your carbon monoxide detector before you fire up the grill. Those things are a rip-off anyway, and they are always going off in the middle of the night for no reason, scaring the ever-lovin' daylights out of you!

4. Always remember to invite you neighbors' kids and pets to share in the indoor barbequing action. You don't want them to think that you are selfish, do you? Besides, there is always plenty of food to go around at a barbecue!

5: After the meal, keep the charcoal grill smoking for the rest of the evening in case you get the urge to make yourself some s'mores after the wife and kids have drifted off to their endless sleep...