Bush Demands Access To Grocery Stores "Club Card" Records

Washington, DC--President Bush paid a surprise visit Thursday to the National Association of Grocery Stores (NAGS) annual convention in Omaha, Nebraska. In a short statement, the president asked all major American supermarket chains to strongly consider opening up their membership "loyalty card" databases to the NSA.

"By analyzing purchases made by customers of these retailers, the NSA and Homeland Security hope to identify patterns consistent with terrorist activity," said Bush. "After exhaustive interviews conducted at Guantanamo Bay over the last three years, we think we now have a pretty good idea of what these fascists like to eat."

For example, traditional middle-eastern food purchases such as taboleh, hummus, or lavash bread would automatically raise a red flag. The NSA will also be looking for instances of customers purchasing food at a discount when it is at or near the expiration date.

"Your average terrorist isn't going to care if his milk expires two days from now if he is about to go out on a suicide bombing run," said NSA spokesperson Ron DeCase. "Those guys are used to living on a diet of rancid yak butter and sand fleas back home, so sour-tasting milk isn't going to phase them one bit."

President Bush plans to formally announce this new policy at a White House press conference sometime next week. "Because it is difficult for terrorists to move money in and out of the country, they have a keen interest in stretching the value of a dollar, not unlike the average frugal housewife," stated the president.

"We are finding that many of these evildoers carry discount cards for oil changes and video rentals as well. By mining and then analyzing this type of data, we hope to get a better picture of the type of threat that we face in the future from these penny-pinching enemies of liberty."

President Bush Cancels "State Of The Union" Address

Washington, DC--With his approval rating at an all-time low of 28%, President Bush has decided to cancel tonight's State of The Union speech, opting instead to host something called "The First Annual George Bush 'Drunken State' of The Union Beer Bash."

"We're gonna party like it's 1999," exclaimed Bush. "Back when my approval rating was still in the double digits, and the Iraqis were killing each other without our involvement."

The party is set to kick off at 8PM, when thousands of Golden Retriever puppies will be let loose on the Congress floor. "Everyone gets to take home one of these cute little guys courtesy of good old King George, and the U.S. taxpayers, of course."

"How are ya likin' me now," asked the president. "Don't forget to feed them!"

Ricky Martin, Taylor Hicks, and Cher have also recorded a new version of the Musique disco classic "Push, Push In The Bush," with new lyrics that paint the president in a more positive light:

Push, push in the bush
Everybody shake your tush
To all the haters, just say "Shush!"
'Cause everybody loves George Bush...

"Here's the deal," added Bush. "Nobody wants to hear me ramble on unconvincingly about health care, the war on terror, or illegal immigration. What people want is to find a way to be the President's buddy again, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna make that happen tonight."

The president also plans to announce a five-hundred dollar tax refund for every American citizen, and that he has also declared January 24th a national holiday, so that "nobody has to go to work with a hangover in the morning."

"Lord knows, I know what that is like," stated Bush.

The President Is Missing!

Bloomington, MN--The Secret Service reluctantly reported tonight that President Bush has gone missing somewhere inside the Mall of America. "He was begging us to let him ride the merry-go-round one more time," explained special agent Nathan Watt-Roy, "and somehow, we just lost sight of him for a minute."

The president, who was killing some time at the mall after a televised speech to the Minnesota legislature, has a history of wandering away from his guardians in large crowds. "Last time, we found him hiding in one of the T. J. Maxx changing rooms," stated John McLellan, head of the presidential security detail.

"We are not very concerned at this point," added McLellan, "though we would like to get him back to the hotel in time for Laura to put out his milk and cookies."

Bush Continues To Claim Iraqi Involvement In 7/11

Washington, DC--In a recent White House press conference, President Bush attempted to silence his detractors by holding fast to the position that Iraqis were somehow involved in events related to 7/11.

"Everytime I make my limo driver Stan stop at a 7/11 to pick me up an Extreme Big Gulp and some lottery tickets, I see some Iraqi-looking fella behind the counter," claimed President Bush.

"I am not saying that these clerks are necessarily involved in any of the high-level planning that goes on at the stores, but they definitely play a role."

Bush also stated that he would continue to investigate the connection between Iraqis and 7/11, even if it meant that he had to "turn the whole store upside-down" to find the cache of WMDs that he is convinced they have stashed somewhere on the premises.

"A few years back, you only saw Hindus or Koreans behind the counters of these stores. But now that the face of 7/11 seems to be changing, I think it is up to every American to stay vigilant whenever they purchase their money orders or those horoscopes-in-a-tube from these establishments," added Bush.

In addition, Bush pledged to add 7/11 clerks to the Accents of Evil, explaining that he "can never seem to understand a damn thing those guys are sayin' when they ring me up. I just tell my secret service guy to hand over to money, and then I get the hell out of there fast!"

Memo From The President

From the desk of George W. Bush--January 1st, 2007

Good morning, my fellow Americans. As we begin a new year here in America, I think it is always wise and smart to reflect back upon the year that we just lived through, to remember the things we shouldn't forget.

For me, it was a year to be proud of. I think we made great progress in Iraq, and I can safely say now that we are somewhat closer to getting on the road that may someday lead us to a free and democratic Iraq.

Of course, one of the most important deals that went down last year in 2006 was the execution and subsequent death of Saddam Hussein. Hard to believe it has been a full year since we hung the bastard; it seems like it was only yesterday.

Now that I have had some time to process and regurgitate on the matter, I have to admit that I do kind of miss the old guy. Sure, he was a pain in the ass, and he did kill all those Kruds. Or, was it the Shits? Well, no matter, they are all gone now, and so is he.

Granted, we never found any of those weapons of mass destruction that he hid so well on us. And he did keep his composure 'til the very end, claiming that he was still the President of Iraq. Hell, I guess I would do the same thing myself if it came down to it!

Except, of course, I would need to say that I was President of the United States of America.

In any case, 2007 will be a brand new year for all of us. A year that we have never lived in. A year without Saddam, and James Brown, for that matter. And as my old friend Jim used to say, "Pappa's got a brand new bag, and he's puttin' it right over Saddam's head!"

Heh heh. I guess he didn't say all that. Anyway, Happy New Year everybody. Now let's get out there and do whatever it is we Americans do all year that makes us the great nation that I know we are.

Hussein Found "Not Guilty"; Americans Apologize & Quietly Leave Country

Azamiyah, Iraq--In a shocking turn of events, the Iraqi high council has declared Saddam Hussein "not guilty" of all charges relating to the 1982 massacre of 148 Shiites in the village of Dujail.

Though most of the twelve-person jury was murdered during the course of the trial, Iraqi law allowed the remaining three members to pass judgement on the former president.

"Unfortunately, the prosecution did not present us with any convincing evidence in this case. In addition, we were afraid if we came back with a 'guilty' verdict, Saddam was going to execute everyone in our family, and then dig up our departed relatives and kill them again as well," said jury foreperson Haddar el Shammani.

George Bush was one of the first to congratulate Hussein on his favorable verdict, as he vowed to immediately restore Hussein to power and pull our troops out from the country immediately. "No hard feelings there, buddy," offered a contrite George Bush minutes after the verdict was read.

"I know we've left your country a little worse for the wear, but we are willing to offer you an aid package totaling over thirty-thousand dollars," added Bush.

"That should be enough to restore the infrastructure of Iraq to pre-invasion conditions, and also pay for the construction of a few new statues to replace the ones we pulled down back in '03."