Memo From The President

From the desk of George W. Bush--January 1st, 2007

Good morning, my fellow Americans. As we begin a new year here in America, I think it is always wise and smart to reflect back upon the year that we just lived through, to remember the things we shouldn't forget.

For me, it was a year to be proud of. I think we made great progress in Iraq, and I can safely say now that we are somewhat closer to getting on the road that may someday lead us to a free and democratic Iraq.

Of course, one of the most important deals that went down last year in 2006 was the execution and subsequent death of Saddam Hussein. Hard to believe it has been a full year since we hung the bastard; it seems like it was only yesterday.

Now that I have had some time to process and regurgitate on the matter, I have to admit that I do kind of miss the old guy. Sure, he was a pain in the ass, and he did kill all those Kruds. Or, was it the Shits? Well, no matter, they are all gone now, and so is he.

Granted, we never found any of those weapons of mass destruction that he hid so well on us. And he did keep his composure 'til the very end, claiming that he was still the President of Iraq. Hell, I guess I would do the same thing myself if it came down to it!

Except, of course, I would need to say that I was President of the United States of America.

In any case, 2007 will be a brand new year for all of us. A year that we have never lived in. A year without Saddam, and James Brown, for that matter. And as my old friend Jim used to say, "Pappa's got a brand new bag, and he's puttin' it right over Saddam's head!"

Heh heh. I guess he didn't say all that. Anyway, Happy New Year everybody. Now let's get out there and do whatever it is we Americans do all year that makes us the great nation that I know we are.

Hussein Found "Not Guilty"; Americans Apologize & Quietly Leave Country

Azamiyah, Iraq--In a shocking turn of events, the Iraqi high council has declared Saddam Hussein "not guilty" of all charges relating to the 1982 massacre of 148 Shiites in the village of Dujail.

Though most of the twelve-person jury was murdered during the course of the trial, Iraqi law allowed the remaining three members to pass judgement on the former president.

"Unfortunately, the prosecution did not present us with any convincing evidence in this case. In addition, we were afraid if we came back with a 'guilty' verdict, Saddam was going to execute everyone in our family, and then dig up our departed relatives and kill them again as well," said jury foreperson Haddar el Shammani.

George Bush was one of the first to congratulate Hussein on his favorable verdict, as he vowed to immediately restore Hussein to power and pull our troops out from the country immediately. "No hard feelings there, buddy," offered a contrite George Bush minutes after the verdict was read.

"I know we've left your country a little worse for the wear, but we are willing to offer you an aid package totaling over thirty-thousand dollars," added Bush.

"That should be enough to restore the infrastructure of Iraq to pre-invasion conditions, and also pay for the construction of a few new statues to replace the ones we pulled down back in '03."