Wikipedia Founder Says Site Is In "Lockdown" Mode; Further Editing Disabled

Huntsville, AL--In a shocking announcement this morning, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales announced that the "free encyclopedia that anyone can edit" will no longer allow users to add or alter any content on the popular website.

"Basically, we have achieved what we set out to do," claims Wales. "There is nothing out there in the world today that you can't read about on Wikipedia."

"Besides, we just got tired of all the vandalism. Who by this point isn't sick of seeing something like 'Jose is a fag' pop up all of a sudden in the middle of an article about the ongoing violence in Darfur?"

The Wikipedia founder went on to say that the site would continue to cover current events on the homepage, but that any existing article will be switched over to "lockdown" status until further notice.

"We may open up the site for some minor editing in a few months if there are any updates that need to be made," explained Wales. "Also, we are looking into the possibility of corporations 'sponsoring' new articles for a negotiable fee."

Wales admits that "the formerly free encyclopedia that nobody can edit" does not have the same appeal as their original slogan, but thinks that the impact of this policy change will be negligible.

"We haven't had anyone submit a new article in months," explained Wales. "Just seemed like it was a good time to take a couple steps back and look at the big picture here for a minute."

94-Year-Old WW2 Vet Called Back To Active Duty

Kingman, AZ--Homer Winston, a 94-year-old veteran of World War 2, was suprised to find a letter in his mailbox this weekend asking him to please return to active duty with the United States Marine Corps. According to Winston, "I told them to keep me on the inactive reserve list six decades ago, just in case they needed me again."

"I haven't been out of bed in close to three years and have never even heard of Iraq. But if they really want me back, I'm going, wherever the hell it is!"

Due to an understandable lack of volunteers willing to return to Iraq after they have already seen combat, the Marine Corps announced yesterday that they would begin involuntarily recalling inactive Marines to the embattled region. Apparently, the recalls affect everyone from recently enlisted soldiers to anybody receiving a military pension of any age.

"I know we can't expect much from some of these older soldiers, but if they can put on the uniform and walk around a bit, that might scare the enemy into surrendering," said military recruiter Jack Scheisskopf.

"Some have mockingly called us an army of 'great-great grandfathers' but who would know better how to defeat our enemy and then get us the hell out of there better than a WWII vet?"

As for PFC Homer Winston, he is certainly looking forward to "hopping aboard the B-29 Superfortress and showing those dang Japs what he is made of."

"Even at ninety-four, I've still got some fight left in me. Just show me where that bastard Tojo is hiding out, and I'll do the rest," boasted Winston.

Netflix Run By Idiots?

In the new Mike Judge film Idiocracy, Luke Wilson is frozen in an Army experiment, and wakes up in 2505 to find he is the smartest man in America. Unfortunately, Netflix apparently thinks that 2505 is still a thousand years away...