Shock Jock Howard Stern Claiming He Slept With Anna Nicole Too!

New York, NY--In a shocking admission likely to fascinate and confuse those of us already following this story (and really, who isn't), shock jock Howard Stern admitted to sleeping with Anna Nicole Smith soon after she appeared on his popular radio program at the beginning of 2006.

"Yeah, I banged her," explained Stern. "And it was right around the time when she got pregnant with that kid as well."

Stern added that "I know this is really gonna confuse a lot of people, because of Howard K. Stern, that douchebag lawyer of hers who has the same name as me, but I had to come forward in case there was any chance of me inheriting that money that Dannielynn has coming to her."

Stern is of course referring to the multi-million dollar settlement being held in limbo in the courts that resulted from Anna Nicole's previous marriage to billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

"Now that I think of it, I am the third Howard in her life. How odd!"

In a last-minute press conference, Stern also admitted that he kept this story under wraps because "she was still pretty fat when I nailed her, and I didn't want anybody to know that I had taken one for the team."

"But now that there is a whole bunch on money on the table here, I thought I would come clean, so to speak," claimed Stern.

Al Qaeda's "Greatest Threats" Now On DVD

Basra, Iraq--In a move predicted to generate millions of dollars for their holy war against America, the radical Islamist group al Qaeda has compiled a DVD box set of some of their most chilling televised messages broadcast to date. The collection, entitled Video Jihad: The Best of Al Qaeda Uncensored was released last week to take full advantage of the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday shopping surge.

"We noticed how popular these speeches were on YouTube, and figured we would get in on a piece the action," stated a masked al Qaeda operative who threatened to chop this reporter's head right off if his true identity was revealed.

"All your favorites are here--Bin Laden, Zarqawi, al Zawahiri and more! If they have ever wiggled a bony index finger in the air while shouting 'Death To America!', or threatened to blow up the White House, they are on this video."

"In addition, there are bloopers, outtakes, and extended ranting as well on this three-disc compilation. My favorite clip on the DVD is the one where Osama's turban keeps unraveling on-air during a recent taping."

"The look on his face is priceless," added the masked militant.

Amazon.com reports that sales of the DVD set have been brisk, but also that many copies are being returned with quality issues. "Basically, it looks like these discs were all burned on a laptop in some cave in Afghanistan during a sandstorm," reported an Amazon employee who begged not to be identified.

"Still, we are recommending that our customers only leave positive reviews for the collection on our site, if they know what is good for them."

Scheduling Glitch Shelves Beatles iTunes Ad!

Cupertino, CA--The Apple Corporation is looking for an explanation from CBS after they failed to air a commercial announcing the upcoming release of The Beatles song catalog on their iTunes music downloading service. The 30 second long advertisement was scheduled to air immediately before the halftime presentation of yesterday's Super Bowl XLI broadcast, but was shelved by CBS when they discovered that the show was running a bit long.

Apple spokesperson Ellen Doppler stated that "Apple is very disappointed that our commercial was not aired as promised." The ad, featuring the Lennon-penned classic "Good Morning, Good Morning," showed Apple users all over the world enjoying this lesser-known track from the groundbreaking Sgt. Pepper's album, as they put on their iPods and went about their morning routines.

Doppler added that "CBS did finally get around to running the spot overnight during an 'I Love Lucy' rerun, but it didn't have nearly the same impact as it would have had during the actual Super Bowl telecast." The spokesperson went on to say that the licensing rights alone for the song snippet were "in the millions of dollars, not to mention the cost of airtime, and what we spent to produce the ad."